WOMEN JOKESAll of these jokes are on the internet many times. Not copyrighted.
PLEASE CLICK ON JOKE TITLES AND ENJOY
A WOMEN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST A WOMEN'S PERFECT REVENGE BLOND JOKE
DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS GRAND MOTHER LADIES VS REAL WOMEN
MORE BLOND JOKES MOTHERS WEDDING DRESS THREE WOMEN
TWO WOMEN WORDS WOMEN USE YEARLY PHYSICAL
When I die,
I want to die like my grandmother,
who died peacefully in her sleep.
......Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
WORDS WOMEN USE
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day
... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice.
.....The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of PlayGirl
... And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
A WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled in her purse for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a TV in her purse
....."So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...."DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS".
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"
The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now," he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears a contact lens."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!
MORE BLOND JOKES
Note: Elder Bob is blond and so is his wife, daughter and first grand daughter!
She was Soooooooo Blond...
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blond...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blond...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M and M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blond...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blond...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blond...
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)
Why won't they hire blonds as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)
Hear about the blond that got an AM radio?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)
What happened to the blond ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)
Why did the blond scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)
How did the blond die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)
How did the blond burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)
Why do blonds have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse! .)
What do you call 20 blonds in a freezer?
Why can't blonds put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)
Did you hear about the blond that shot an arrow into the air?
What is it when a blond blows into another blond's ear?
Why did the blond put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)
Why did the blond ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)
Why are Asians so smart?
What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blond?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)
LADIES VS REAL WOMEN
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with with me The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who the hell cares?
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the sonofabitch for you.
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over shit, so don't do it.
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbour guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??
These three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a Brunette, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this woman to die, and they let her go.
The second one, a Redhead, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the University of Oklahoma School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this woman's side, so they let her go.
The last one, a Blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm an Auburn Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect those two wires right over there.
MOTHERS WEDDING DRESS
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.