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LIFE



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ACTUAL TOURIST SIGNS spacer BILL GATES SAID...... spacer CANADA RESPONDS



COLONOSCOPIES spacer DOCTORS AND GUNS spacer FACTS



GREEN GARDEN GRASS SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS spacer HAVING A BAD DAY?



HELL FREEZES OVER spacer HOMOSEXUALITY spacer HUH ???



HUMOR IN CHURCH BULLETINS spacer MEN WANT TO DIE FIRST



MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM spacer ORIGIN OF PHRASES - I spacer ORIGIN OF PHRASES - II



PACIFIC NORTHEST TRUISMS



RULES FOR VISITING RURAL WASHINGTON spacer STRANGE AND AMUSING STATE LAWS



STRANGE AND AMUSING WORLD LAWS spacer STRANGE NAMES FOR AIRPORTS



WHERE WERE THE EDITORS ?? spacer WHAT LOVE MEANS...TO A CHILD



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CANADA RESPONDS

Author unknown - collected from webpage not copyrighted.


These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.




01. Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


02. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


03. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.


04. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So its true what they say about Swedes.


05. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.


06. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


07. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.


08. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


09. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.


12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)

A: You are an American politician, right?


14. Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.


16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.


17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.


18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


19. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first



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BILL GATES SAID........

Author unknown - collected from webpage not copyrighted.


Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.


Rule 01: Life is not fair - - get used to it!


Rule 02: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.


Rule 03: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.


Rule 04: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.


Rule 05: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.


Rule 06: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.


Rule 07: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.


Rule 08: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.


Rule 09: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.


Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.


Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.



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HUH ????

Author unknown - collected from webpage not copyrighted.


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?...Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA Contest.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas


"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne


"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."--Dan Quayle


" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca


"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President


"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



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HELL FREEZES OVER

Author unknown - collected from webpage not copyrighted.


This was a bonus question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant........One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."


The student received the only "A" given.



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HOMOSEXUALITY

Author unknown - collected from webpage not copyrighted.


I will not get involved in the question of homosexuality being right or wrong. I have my own opinions and I am just passing this on for its humor and information.

BOB



Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to the Old Testament.....Leviticus 18:22.....and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet......


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.


I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.


01......When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing smell for the Lord.....Leviticus 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

02......I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what to you think would be a fair price for her?

03......I know that I am not allowed to have contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness.....Leviticus 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

04......Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

05......I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.....Exodus 35:2 clearly states she should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill her myself?

06......A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination..... Leviticus 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

07......Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

08......Most of my male friends get their hair cut, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by the bible, in Leviticus 19:27......How should they die?

09......I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10......My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton and polyester blend). He also tends to curse a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?.....Leviticus 24:10-16......Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?.....Leviticus 20:14


I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging...................."


Salam



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STRANGE AND AMUSING WORLD LAWS

Author unknown - collected from webpages not copyrighted.


In Victoria Australia, only a licensed electrician is allowed to change a lightbulb.

In Victoria Australia it is forbidden to wear pink hot pants after mid-day on a Sunday.

It England, it is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.

It England, it is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

It England, it is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.

Under the UK's Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don't want him to know, though you don't have to tell him anything you don't mind him knowing.

In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, even, if she so requests, in a policeman's helmet.

In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.

In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.

In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

In the UK, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.

In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to own a pet the town's citizens, legally speaking, are merely pet minders.

In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen in case she needs the bones for her corset.

In Eureka, Nevada, USA, it is still illegal for men with moustaches to kiss women.

In Alexandria, Minnesota, USA, it is still illegal for a man who has garlic, onions or sardines on his breath to have sex with his wife.

In Logan County, Colorado, USA, it is still illegal to kiss a woman while she is asleep.

In Providence, Rhode Island, USA, it is still illegal for shop owners to sell toothpaste and toothbrushes to the same customer on a Sunday.

In Zion, Illinois, USA, it is still illegal to offer cigars to your pets.

In St. Louis, Missouri, USA, it is still illegal for firemen to rescue women who are still in their nightdresses.

In Ames, Iowa, USA, it is still illegal for men to have three sips of beer while they are in bed with their wives.

In Maryland, USA, it is still illegal for radio stations to play Randy Newman's song 'Short people'.

In Oklahoma, USA, it is still illegal to make faces at a dog, a crime that could result in a prison sentence.

In Texas, USA, criminals are still required to give their victims at least 24 hours oral or written notice giving details of the crime they are about to commit.

In Washington, USA, it is still an offence to pretend that you have rich parents.

In Baltimore, Maryland, USA, it is still an offence to take a lion into a cinema.

In Tremonton, Utah, USA, it is still an offence for a woman to have sexual intercourse with a man in an ambulance. She can be charged with a misdemeanour and have her name printed in the local paper.

In Oxford, Ohio, USA, it is still illegal for a woman to undress in front of a picture of a man.

In Miami, Florida, USA, it is still illegal for anyone to imitate an animal.

In Afghanistan the Taliban militia banned women from wearing white socks just in case men find them attractive. The police are also ordered windows to be painted black to stop women being seen from the outside.

In the USA impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states.

In Illinois, USA, it is against the law to give a lighted cigar to a pet.

In Iowa, USA, it is against the law to kiss for more than five minutes.

In International Falls, Minnesota, USA, it is against the law for a dog to chase a cat up a telegraph pole and dog owners can be fined for this.

In Kentucky, USA, it is illegal to carry and ice cream cone in your pocket.

In Louisiana, USA, if you bite someone with your own teeth it is classed as 'Simple assault' but if you bite someone with your dentures it is classed as 'aggravated assault.'

In Massachusetts, USA, it is illegal for mourners to eat no more than three sandwiches at a wake.

In Chico, California, USA, the law says that anybody who detonates a nuclear device within the city limits is liable to a fine of $500.

In Lebanon any man may legally have sex with any animal just as long as it is a female.

In Conorsville, Wisconsin, USA, it is illegal for a man to fire a gun while his wife is having an orgasm.

In Tremonton, Utah, USA, it is illegal for a woman to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance.

In Oblong, Illinois, it is illegal to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

In Bahrain it is illegal for a doctor to look directly at a woman's genitals while he is examining her although he is permitted to see their reflection in a mirror.

In Ames, Iowa, USA, a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

In Hastings, Nebraska, USA, the law says that hotel owners have to provide a clean white cotton nightshirt for each guest. Also no couples are allowed to have sex in the hotel unless they are wearing these nightshirts.

In Willowdale, Oregon, USA, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Indonesia the punishment for masturbation is execution by decapitation.

In Kingsville, Texas, USA, it is against the law for pigs to have sex on airport property.

In Florida it is illegal to have sex with a porcupine.

During World War I anyone found to be a homosexual in the French army was executed.

Hundreds of years ago in Japan anyone who attempted to leave the country was instantly executed.

The very first country to abolish capital punishment was Austria in 1787.

In Wetaskiwin, Alberta, Canada, in 1917, it was illegal to tie a male horse next to a female horse.

In San Diego, USA, hypnotism is banned by public schools.

Chewing gum is illegal in Singapore.

In Paraguay duelling is legal just as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

In Milan, Italy, there is still a law that requires citizens to smile at all times or risk a hefty fine. The only exceptions are visiting hospitals and funerals.

In Switzerland every citizen is required by law to have access to a bomb shelter.

In Burma it is illegal to get internet access. If a person is found in possession of a modem he can be imprisoned.

In Bangladesh it is against the law for schoolchildren to cheat at school exams. Pupils as young as 15 can be imprisoned for this.

Until 1984 Belgians were made to choose their children's names from a list of 1500 drawn up in the days of Napoleon.

In Romania, in 1935, Mickey Mouse was banned because the authorities thought that the sight of a 10ft high rodent on screen would terrify the nation's children.

Donald Duck comics were once banned in Finland because he never wore pants.

Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship on adult films.

Karate films were banned in Iraq in 1979.

In Indiana, USA, during the 1950's, all Robin Hood films were banned because authorities thought that robbing the rich to give to the poor was an act of communism.

In Iceland it was once against the law to own a pet dog.

The bloodhound is the only animal in the world whose evidence is admissable in court.

In Basle, Switzerland, in 1471, a cockerel was found guilty in a court of law for laying an egg "In defiance of natural law". The bird was then burnt at the stake as a "Devil in disguise".

In Stelvio, Italy, in 1519, a court issued a warrant for the arrest of a gang of moles that had severely damaged crops. The moles were sumoned to court but when they failed to appear they were sentenced to exile.

In South Bend, Indiana, USA, a monkey was once found guilty of smoking a cigarette.

In Munster, in 1670, the courts banished a plague of fleas from the city, prohibiting them from returning for ten years.

In Seville, Spain, in 1983, an alsatian dog was arrested for snatching handbags from shoppers.

Judge J.H. Logan from California, USA, created the Loganberry fruit. He crossed a wild blackberry with a cultivated raspberry and came up with his own fruit.

In ancient Sparta men were required by law to eat at least two pounds of meat every day. This was supposed to make them brave.

In Turkey, during the 16th and 17th centuries, it was illegal to drink coffee and anyone caught doing so was sentenced to death.

In Venice all gondolas have to be painted black unless they belong to a high ranking official.

In England, in 1865, a law was passed stating that any self propelled carriage on an English highway had to have a crew of three, one of whom had to walk in front of the carriage with a red flag to warn horse drawn vehicles of it's approach.

In Rome, 2,000 years ago, Julius Caesar banned chariots from the centre of Rome to ease congestion.

In London, England, there is still a law that states London Taxi cabs must carry a bale of hay at all times.

In Bermuda, up until 1948, all private cars were banned.

At one time it was against the law to slam car doors in Switzerland.

In Britain, in 1888, a law was passed which stated that every cyclist had to constantly ring the bell on his bicycle non-stop while the machine was moving.

In Singapore it is illegal for a person to walk around the house naked and not flushing the toilet. Also a person can be executed if they are found in possession of more than 200g of cannabis resin. Oral sex is banned unless it is used only during foreplay and if a person is caught littering the streets he is forced to make an appearance on TV with a bib around his neck saying "I'm a litterer."

In Birmingham, England, it is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex on church steps after sundwon.

In Iowa, USA, it is illegal for horses to eat fire hydrants.

In Denmark it is not illegal for a convicted prisoner to escape from prison. If the escapee is caught he only serves the rest of his sentence.

In Denmark it is illegal to start your car without first checking to see if there are any children asleep underneath it.

In Thailand it is illegal to step on a banknote, leave your house without wearing underwear and if you drop a piece of bubblegum on the pavement you can be fined $600.

In Thailand all cinema goers must stand up during the National Anthem before a film starts.

In Switzerland it is against the law for men to urinate standing up after 10pm which is the same time that it is illegal to flush the toilet.

In Canada, by law, 1 out of every 5 songs on the radio must be sung by a Canadian and in British Columbia it is illegal to kill a Sasquatch or Bigfoot if one is ever found.

In Alberta a released convict is entitled to a gun and a horse to ride out of town on.

In London, England, it is illegal to use a camera tripod, throw a stick for your dog or use an offensive powder like pepper on your jacket potato in any park.

In London, England, wife beating is legal just as long as it is not after 9pm and it doesn't disturb the neighbours.

In London, England, it is illegal to impersonate a Chelsea pensioner which once carried the death sentence in the 19th century.

In Lebanon men are allowed to have sex with any other animal just as long as it is a female. If a man is caught having sex with a male animal then the penalty is death.

Non-Christians have been banned from being within 20 metres of churches in Rovato, Italy. The move, instigated by the local government, has angered police because a major highway passes within 15 metres of one of the churches. Officers claim that they cannot be expected to stop motorists and demand to see a Baptism Certificate.

North Carolina has a law to ban people from swearing in front of cadavers. The law also sets out guidelines transporting the recently deceased after one funeral firm was caught piling stiffs onto the back of a pick-up truck. It outlaws 'profanity, indecent or obscene language in the presence of a dead human body' making it technically illegal to say the 'f' word in front of a hearse!

In Minnesota, USA, it is still against the law to hang male and female underwear together on the same washing line.

In Indiana, USA, in the 1950's anything to do with Robin Hood was banned on the grounds that robbing from from the rich to give to the poor was a communist act!

In England, in 1837, a law was passed that entitled a woman to bite off a man's nose if he kissed her against her will!

The Egyptian government banned male belly-dancing in 1837 because of the enthusiastic riots that it caused.

In Arizona, USA, it is illegal to hunt camels.

In California, USA, in 1986, Judge Samuel King became so annoyed that jurors were absent from his court because of heavy rain that he issued a decree which stated "I hereby order that it cease raining by Tuesday."
Amazingly it stopped raining on Tuesday and California suffered a 5 year drought.
In 1991 the judge then decreed "Rain shall fall in California beginning February 27th." Later that day California had the heaviest rainfall in ten years.

In Alexandria, Minneapolis, USA, it is against the law for a man to make love to a woman with the smell of sardines on his breath.



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STRANGE AND AMUSING STATE LAWS



Click Here for dumb laws.

Click Here for more dumb laws.

Click Here for still more dumb laws.



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ACTUAL TOURIST SIGNS

Authors unknown - collected from webpages not copyrighted.


In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice.


In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.


In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.


In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.


In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.


In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.


In an Austrian hotel catering to the skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension.


In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.


On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.


Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.


Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.



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HAVING A BAD DAY?



Having a Bad Day?

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A.M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A.M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M., all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Sony Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?



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MEN WANT TO DIE FIRST

Author unknown - collected from webpages not copyrighted.


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.


If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.


If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.


If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.


If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.


If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.


If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.


If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.


If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.


If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.


If you cry............you're a wimp.


If you don't....................you're insensitive.


If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.


If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.


If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.


If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.


If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.


If you don't..............you're gay.


If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape .......you're sexist.


If you don't.................you're unromantic.


If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.


If you don't................you're a slob.


If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.


If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.


If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.


If your not....................you're not ambitious.


If she has a headache............she's tired.


If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.


If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.


If you don't................there must be someone else.


..........................Men die first because they want to!



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GREEN GARDEN GRASS SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS

Author unknown - collected from webpages not copyrighted.


...YES, I SAID GREEN GARDEN GRASS SNAKES, NOT RATTLESNAKES.....

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.


It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.


The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.


She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog, Clyde, came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.


His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.


The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.


About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.


The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.


He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.


But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.


The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.


An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.


The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.


By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.


The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.


The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the dog, Clyde, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.


Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.


Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.


Time passed...


Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was re-built. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.


About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.


She shot him...



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HUMOR IN CHURCH BULLETINS

Collected from various web sites. None of which were copyrighted.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

Evening Massage--6 p.m.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Ladies' Bible Study wil be held Thursday morning at 10:00. All are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

The Lutheran Men's Group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Click Here for more humorous bulletins.



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PACIFIC NORTHWEST TRUISMS

Author unknown - collected from webpages not copyrighted.


The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy:

01. You know the state flower (Mildew).

02. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

03. Use the statement 'sun break' and know what it means.

04. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

05 You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

06. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant or to church.

07. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the 'WALK' Signal.

08. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.

09. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.

10 . You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Haceta, Yaquina, Yachats, Issaquah,Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark While only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by 'Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,' And 'Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers.'

17.You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of Mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see Through the cloud cover.

20. You notice, 'The mountain is out' when it is a pretty day and you Can actually see i t.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still Wear your hiking boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old Ones after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours.

27. You often switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' in the same day.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

30. You understood these jokes and will probably forward them



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RULES FOR VISITING RURAL WASHINGTON

Take off of "RULES FOR VISITING RURAL PENNSYLVANIA" - Not Copyrighted.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=1281046


Listen up City Slickers !

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 goes east and west, I-5 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Washington waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. We fry our fish after catchin' 'em. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12.When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. Ten inches of snow isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.



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STRANGE NAMES (CODES) FOR AIRPORTS

Author unknown - collected from webpages not copyrighted.


Some include Moron Airport in Spain, Eek Airport in the USA, and Brest Airport in France.

Airports that might sound unwelcoming include Asbestos Hill Airport in Canada, Danger Bay Airport in the USA, Colon Airport in Panama, and Mafia Airport in Tanzania.

Even airport codes make some take a second look such as:

- BUM Butler Airport, USA
- PEE Perm Airport, Russia
- POO Pocos De Caldas Airport, Brazil

Skyscanner s Top 10 Personal Favorites:

1. Batman Airport (BAL), Turkey
2. Useless Loop Airport (USL), Australia
3. Black Tickle Airport (YBI), Canada
4. Mafia Airport (MFA), Tanzania
5. Moron Airport (OZP), Spain
6. Ogle Airport (OGL), Guyana
7. Brest Airport (BES), France
8. Eek Airport (EEK), USA
9. Pickle Lake Airport (YPJ), Canada
10. Raspberry Strait Airport (RSP), USA

Watch your language airports that may offend!

1. Old Crow Airport (YOC), Canada
2. Fukui Airport (FKJ), Japan
3. Dang Airport (DNP), Nepal
4. Pratt Airport (PTT), USA
5. Ponce Airport (PSE), Puerto Rico
6. Fort Dix Airport (WRI), USA
7. Tsili Tsili Airport (TSI), Papua New Guinea
8. Gaylord Airport (GLR), USA
9. Shafter Airport (MIT), USA
10. Phi Phi Island Airport (PHZ), Thailand
11. Fak Fak Airport (FKQ), Indonesia
12. Big Bell Airport (BBE), Australia

Say what now? The strangest sounding airports.

1. Gorom-Gorom Airport (XGG), Burkina Faso
2. Wee Waa Airport (WEW), Australia
3. Wagga Wagga Airport (WGA), Australia
4. Woodie Woodie Airport (WWI), Australia
5. Wuhu Airport (WHU), China
6. Xingning Airport (XIN), China
7. Puka Puka Airport (PZK), Cook Islands
8. Flin Flon Airport (YFO), Canada
9. Kar Kar Airport (KRX), Papua New Guinea
10. Linga Linga Airport (LGN), Papua New Guinea
11. Muko-Muko Airport (MAL), Indonesia
12. Mala Mala Airport (AAM), South Africa
13. Sabi Sabi Airport (GSS), South Africa

Airports you might prefer not to fly to.

1. Mafia Airport (MFA), Tanzania
2. Slave Lake Airport (YZH), Canada
3. Asbestos Hill Airport (YAF), Canada
4. Desolation Sound Airport (YDS) Canada
5. Crooked Island Airport (CRI), Canada
6. Deception Airport (YGY), Canada
7. Broken Hill Airport (BHQ), Australia
8. Warroad Airport (RRT), USA
9. Battle Mountain Airport (BAM), USA
10. Battle Creek Airport (BTL), USA
11. Mysore Airport (MYQ), India
12. Bloodvein Airport (YDV), Canada
13. Storm Lake Airport (SLB), USA
14. Red Devil Airport (RDR), USA
15. Rifle Airport (IRD), USA
16. Deadhorse Airport (SCC), USA
17. Cue Airport (CWT), Australia
18. Alert Airport (YLT), Canada
19. Danger Bay Airport (DGB), USA
20. Colon Airport (ONX), Panama
21. Gaspe Airport (YGP), Canada

Airport or Zoo - airports for animals?

1. Monkey Mia Airport (MJK), Australia
2. Murnansk Monkey (MMK), Russia
3. Squirrel Cove Airport (YSZ), Canada
4. Big Trout Airport (YTL), Canada
5. Snake River Airport (YXF), Canada
6. Goose Bay Airport (YYR), Canada
7. Whale Cove Airport (YXN), Canada
8. Beaver Creek Airport (YXP), Canada
9. Muskrat Dam Airport (MSA), Canada
10. Sheep Mountain Airport (SMU), USA
11. Elk City Airport (ELK), USA
12. Deer Park Airport (DPK), USA
13. Hawk Inlet Airport (HWI), USA
14. Big Bear Airport (RBG), USA
15. Red Dog Airport (RDB), USA
16. Moose Jaw Airport (YMJ), Canada
17. Mammoth Lakes Airport (MMH), USA
18. Wolf Point Airport (OLF), USA
19. Chicken Airport (CKV), USA
20. Fox Airport (FOX), USA
21. Duck Airport (DUF), USA
22. Atlanta Beaver Ruin Airport (JAO), USA

And finally, the best IATA Airport Codes:

1. DIK Dickinson Airport, USA
2. NOB Nosara Beach Airport, Costa Rica
3. KOK Kokkola/Pietarsaari Kruunupyy Airport, Finland
4. BOG Bogotá Airport, Columbia
5. BUM Butler Airport, USA
6. PEE Perm Airport, Russia
7. POO Pocos De Caldas Airport, Brazil
8. S EX Sembach Airport, Germany
9. EAT Wenatchee Airport, USA
10. FAT Fresno Yosemite Airport, USA
11. DOH Doha Airport, Qatar
12. CAT Cat Island Airport, Bahamas
13. DOG Dongola Airport, Qatar



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