MORE JOKESAll of these jokes are on the internet many times. Not copyrighted.
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ABBOT AND COSTELLO BAD PUNS BOUDREAUX BRITISH HOSPITALITY
CORPORATE JOKES GETTING EVEN HORSEY HUMOR OLDER THAN DIRT
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY REDNECK CHURCH REDNECK TRANSLATIONS
REDNECK VASECTOMY REDNECKS SCOTTISH HUMOR
WINDOWS 2004 REDNECK EDITION
OLDER THAN DIRT
--- See what you remember...
Hey Dad, one of my kids asked the other day, What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?
We didn't have fast food when I was growing up, I informed him. All the food was slow.
C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?
It was a place called at home, I explained. Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it.
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called pizza pie. When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a machine.
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AMevery morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to sprinkle clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S and H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says,
"I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really , really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,... anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie
"That was really decent of you .... is that "British Hospitality ?"
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy."
YOU MIGHT BELONG TO A REDNECK CHURCH IF
01. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
02. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the multitudes, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
03. The Pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
04. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
05. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
06. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
07. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
08. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
09. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the pump organ set the coon dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The baptismal font is a # 2 galvanized washtub.
14. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from "The Happy Hawg Bar-B-Q."
15. The collection plates were really hub caps from a '53 DeSoto.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRASH WHEN
01. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
02. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
03. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
04. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
05. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
06. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
07. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
08. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
09. Your junior prom had a daycare.
10. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
18. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
19. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
20. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
21. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
22. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working R.V...
23. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.
24. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
25. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.
26. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
27. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
28. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
29. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
30. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
31. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
32. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
33. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
34. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
35. If you don't understand why people laugh at the first 34.
WINDOWS 2004 REDNECK EDITION
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2004 REDNECK EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south eastern USA.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The REDNECK EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2004, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN REDNECK EDITION:
Find.........hunt fer it
Go to........over yonder
Help.........hep me out here
Programs.....stuff at duz stuff
Documents.. .stuff ah done did
Also note that the REDNECK EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2004:
Tiperiter..............a word processing program
Colerin' Book..........a graphics program
Inner-net..............Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers...............a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the REDNECK EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Contributed by Barbara from Yellowstone Loon Chat.
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his baitcan. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or his gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.
He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou.
Den he goes back to fishin'. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was wif two more frogs.
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 &4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
In Honor Of Robert Burns
A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.
It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.
One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.
Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,
Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.
At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,
Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!
And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"
"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit."
"Cuimhnich air na daoine o'n d'thaining thu"
Remember the men from whom you are descended
A little girl fell into a well, and although she cried for help, her brother stood by and did nothing. Finally the next-door neighbor came over and pulled the girl up.
"Why didn't you help her?" the neighbor asked the boy.
"How," he replied, "could I be her brother and assist her, too?"
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home, and the bartender would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnuts. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiti, doc."
A psychiatrist's receptionist alerted the doctor: "A man is out here who says he is invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now," said the doctor.
It is well known throughout Central Europe that members of William Tell's family were early devotees of league bowling. They had sponsors and everything. According to historians, though, the records have been lost, so nobody knows for whom the Tells bowled.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back. "What the heck are you?" asks the host. "I'm a snail." says the guy. "But, you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle."
There's a nudist colony for communists. Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" And the other says, "Yes....I believe it's these wicker chairs."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Dijon vu --the same mustard as before.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
The reading of a will is a dead giveaway.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When chemists die, we barium.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own? Because it was two-tired.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg...until she broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Energizer Bunny arrested--charged with battery.
When a clock gets hungry, it coes back four seconds.
When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd die.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
What you seize is what you get.
A man walks into a bar with a salamander in his hand. The bartender asks the man what he calls it. "Tiny" replies the man. "Why's that?" askes the barkeep.
"Because he's my newt!"
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of ! you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin, clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC
REDNECK TO ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.
Saying: Tighter than bark on a tree.
Translation: Not very generous.
Saying: Big hat, no cattle.
Translation: All talk and no action.
Saying: We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
Saying: He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow.
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
Saying: As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
Saying: She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
Translation: Talks a lot.
Saying: It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs.
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here.
Saying: Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly.
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.
Saying: This ain't my first rodeo.
Translation: I've been around awhile.
Saying: He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.
Saying: They ate supper before they said grace.
Translation: Living in sin.
Saying: As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.
Saying: You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny & hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier, and took her to the vet. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' And he reminded the vet that it was his wife that wanted the dirty cat, not him! My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O.' My husband calls him 'El-Take-0.' They love to hate each other.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his Doctor, who was located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the Vet, he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean & shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
Now THAT is getting even...