JOKESAll jokes on this page are found on many sites on the Internet and are not copyrighted.
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A GORILLA ON THE ROOF CLONING FORKS WASHINGTON
GROAN JOKES - 1 GROAN JOKES - 2 GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
JOINING KEEPING WITHIN THE LAW LOVER'S LANE MEN-WOMEN JOKES
MORE JOKES THE BIG SHOT THE BLOND COWBOY THE NAVIGATOR
THE SMART OLD MAN WOMEN JOKES
A man went to the local church and asked to join.
The preacher said, "OK, but you have to pass a small Bible test first....
The first question is "Where was Jesus born?"
The man answered, "Longview."....The preacher said, "Sorry...you can't join our church."
Soooooo....he went to another church and asked to join.
The preacher said, "We would love to have you but you have to pass a Bible test first....
Where was Jesus born?"
The man said "Tyler."....The preacher said "Sorry...you can't join our church."
Soooo....he goes to another church and asked to join.
The preacher said, "That's great! We welcome you with open arms."
The man said, "I don't have to pass no Bible test first?"
The preacher said, "No."....The man said, "Can I ask you a question?"
The preacher said, "Sure."....The man said, "Where was Jesus born?"
The preacher said, "Palestine.".......The man mumbled to himself "I knew it was in East Texas somewhere."
GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But, desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to their 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/ 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,......."If I catch you, you're mine."
God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,...
....."God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
......"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
....But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
......."Ah, those . . . Satan said with a groan.
......"They're all from Forks, Washington, They're too wet to burn."
KEEPING WITHIN THE LAW.....
A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Forks, Washington.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good look at her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, a spotted owl attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor.
The local doctor listened patiently to her story and then told her to go into the examination room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before he returned.
In anger, she demanded, "What in the hell took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area
.....and, I'm sorry, they all turned me down."
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot called, "Lovers' Lane." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ... Uh, yes, officer? ........ What are you doing? ......... Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir..."
Pointing to the back seat, the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" ....... The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover Sweater!."
Now, the cop is totally confused.... A young couple. alone . in a car . at night ... in a lover's lane. and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?" ......."I'm 25, sir..." ........"And her ... what's her age?" .........The young man looks at his watch and replies: ........"She'll be 18 in 20 minutes ..."
A GORILLA ON THE ROOF
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?"the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for! ?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
THE BIG SHOT
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half ! hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation.
THE SMART OLD MAN
An old man was sitting on a park bench in the mall,
a young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow, and purple.
The old man stared at him.
The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter you old geezer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock
.....I was just wondering if you were my son."
THE BLOND COWBOY
The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The cowboy says "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her, so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top & asks me to pull off my shirt so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy."
"And here I am."
See, Blonde Men do exist!