GROAN JOKES - 2Jokes from many sites on the Internet, and are not copyrighted.
A woman was cavorting in bed with a man and her husband came home unexpecedly. so she put the man in a large closet. her 8 year old boy was playing cops and robbers and in the same closet. It was real dark and he said it`s dark in here and the man said be quiet and put some money in his hand so pretty soon he said again it`s dark in here and the man put more money in his hand. after a few more exchanges like this the husband went to work and the woman sent the man home. the boy came out and counted his money and saw he had enough to buy a small radio that he wanted so got it and his mother heard it playing and she said son you have done wrong for you have stolen so you must go to confession so he went in to church and up to the place where the priest was and he could`nt see any one and he said " it`s dark in here and the priest said now do`nt you start that again.
Paul Harvey tells this one: A frantic mother found her lost 3-year old in the plumbing department of K-Mart, doing what he had so carefully been trained to do.
This blonde boarded an airplane with a ticket for coach but she went and sat in the first class section. The stewardess came over and told her she would have to move to coach. She said "Look, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to New York and I am not going to move. The stewardess got the co-pilot and told him the situation. He goes to the blonde and tells her she has to move to coach. She said, "Look I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to New York and I am not going to move. The co-pilot went and got the pilot and told him about the trouble they were having. The pilot goes to her and leaned down and whispered in her ear. She immediately jumped up and ran into the coach sitting. The co-pilot said to the pilot,"What in the world did you whisper to her? The pilot said,"I just told her that first class does't go to New York."
The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man standing in the doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks,......well, "needy". "Can I help you?" the Madam asks. "I want Natalie", the old man replies. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else...?" "No. I want Natalie."
Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.
The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.
When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room they go. At the end of the hour Natalie decides to question the old man. "I'm not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Mind if I ask where you're from?"
"I am from Minsk." "Really", replies Natalie. I have a sister who lives there." "I know", says the old man. "She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you."
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed,and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed at this sequence.
During the fifth encounter, she decides to try it herself. So, when they are done, she jumps up, runs to the window, takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed.....and....finds four other Chinese men!
A LONGER LIFE -- A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
After his wife divorced him, Joe asked his best friend, Bill, to fix him up with a blind date. Bill obliged. The next day Joe called up Bill and shouted at him angrily: "Bill, what kind of a guy do you think I am. That girl you fixed me up with was cross-eyed; she was almost bald; her nose was long, thin and crooked; she had hair growing on her face; she was flat chested; and her ankles were as thick as her thighs". Bill: "Either you like Picasso, or you don't like Picasso."
Max, A LONELY WIDOWER, was walking home along Broadway one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting at him: "Hey, you, Mister, why don't you come in and buy me?" Max rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Max by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Max stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "You speak English?" The parrot answered: "What did you think, Chinese?"
In a matter of moments, Max had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot, talking about his lonely life. The Parrot told him how lonely it was to live in a cage. They became good friends.
Next morning, Max, before he ate his breakfast, read aloud a page from the Bible. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Max explained, the parrot wanted also to read a page from the Bible. So Max went out and ordered a miniature Bible for the parrot.
On Sunday, Max went to his church and demanded that the parrot could come in and pray to. The Minister refused, saying a church was no place for a parrot. But Max insisted, saying that the parrot would pray out aloud, since he was a talking parrot. He would also sing hymns.
None of the worshippers believed Max, and they bet Max at even odds that the parrot could not say his prayers nor sing a hymn. Thousands of dollars were bet. During the services, the parrot perched on Max's shoulder and did not open his mouth. He neither prayed nor sang hymns. After the services were concluded, Max found that he owed his buddies over four thousand dollars.
He paid. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the church the bird began to recite the 23 psalm. Max stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? Haven't I been good to you? Is this how you repay me?"
"Don't be a fool," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds next Sunday when you take me to church. You'll win back your $4,000 and a lot, lot more. You'll get odds of one hundred to one."
The Watch -- A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around. After glancing at his wrist he says "it's about a quarter to s--"
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til sixteen" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city".
The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible, without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons - it has more than a dozen - and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "If we were outside", Jake says apologetically, "it could show you where we were by satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area. View recede ten", he adds to the watch, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "It responds to voice?!" gasps the stranger, and Jake nods enthusiastically: "But I haven't got it all programmed yet - most of the functions are still button-activated."
"I want to buy that watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this:", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Jake. He starts up "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert Heinlein, and although the stranger has never heard of either he can still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.
"I've got to have that watch!", he says. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready -" "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15 000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. "I've just *got* to have that watch!" "But...". Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he could make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another half a year. $15000?"
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "Ok", he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange, the check for the watch, and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't you want the batteries?"
Once when Red Skelton was being interviewed he was asked if he ever was at a loss for words. He hesitated a minute then said, "I dreamed I died and went to heaven. Just as I was taken before God, he sneezed...and I just didn't know what to say to Him!"
Two adventurers were exploring the wide open prairie with the thought that if they found a good building site they would homestead. Nearby they saw two animals chasing each other and playing happily in the tall grass. "Did you ever see such scruffy looking beasts?" said one man. "No!" his friend replied. "They are really moth-eaten, aren't they!" Whereupon the antelope turned to the deer and said, "I do believe I've just heard a discouraging word!"
Mister Jones: Top banana in a large department store was on his inspection round one morning, when he came downstairs to the sporting goods department in the basement. There was a newly hired young man, Peter, serving a customer. Not to disturb, Mr. Jones hid behind a pillar to learn how Peter was working out.
The first he heard was Peter suggesting a beautiful fiberglass fishing rod, following up with both flies, lures, sinks, and spinners. And then, Peter suggested a fold-out box to store all the paraphernalia in. "In the mornings it might be cold, so a god big thermos for coffee would be practical, and a fisherman's lunch-kit for those ham and cheese sandwiches is almost a must."
"Now we also have nice warm hip-waders and you really must have an oil-skins coat and head gear for the possibilities of rain or fog." "Oh, we mustn't forget the canteen so you will always be warm while waiting for a bite. And here is an interesting book to keep you company in your solitude." "Fine," said the customer, "wrap it all up and tell me how much?" "$845.78 with tax," said Peter, as he rang it up on the cash-register.
When the customer was helped out to his car with all the stuff Mr. Jones, very impressed with Peters abilities, ask: "Did he come to buy a fishing-rod," "No", said Peter, "he wanted to buy a pack of napkins for his wife, so I suggested he go fishing for a few days."
This married gentleman was having an affair with his secretary , one day he informed her he was transfered to Germany. she informed him that she was in a family way and was going to have his baby, he said how will i know when the big event happens, being in germany and keeping my wife from knowing about the birth. she said the pass word would be sourkraut,at this he readily agreed. After the proper number of months, he came home from his job and his wife said i got the most unusual message for you this women on the other end of the line said sourkraut, sourkraut, sourkrault, two with weiners and one without.
A farmer's wife decided to kill a rooster for their dinner. Her husband was the one who did the butchering but he was away and the wife was too squeamish to cut the rooster's head off so she settled on hitting it over the head with a rolling pin. As she was pulling the last of its feather's off the rooster revived and started squawking loudly. The woman felt sorry for the rooster so she made a little suit for it and put it back in the barnyard.
A while later the farmer came into the kitchen roaring with laughter The wife asked the farmer what he was laughing at. Said the farmer "I just saw the funniest sight. A rooster was holding a hen down with one foot and trying to open his fly with the other."
A man went to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor recommended he try a milk bath, so he went to the grocery store and told the dairy manager he needed enough milk to take a bath. The dairy manager asked, "Do you want that pasteurized?" "No", the man replied, "up to my chin should do it."
Ben Franklin was trying to get his kite to fly to try his famous experiment with a key during a lightning storm, and a group of his cronies was with him. After about ten minutes of trying, with no luck, his wife, who had been watching from a window, called out, "Ben, you need more tail". Ben got so mad that he threw the ball of string to the ground and said, "Isn't that just like a woman. Last night she told me to get lost.
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'". All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios".
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother.
"What'll ytou have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
This can't be hell! -- Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance she called out, "John, dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me? A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well, what do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then, where are you?" "I've been reincarnated as a jack rabbit in Arizona."
A physician who did house calls in a far-out rural area, went to the house of a woman who was about to give birth. The house had no electric lights, so he lit a kerosene lamp and asked the 6 year old child to hold it up for him so he could see what he was doing. After a short while, the woman gave birth. The doc cut the cord, cleaned out the mouth of the baby and then hit it on the behind to get the baby breathing. The little girl who watched every part of the birth said: "Hit that baby again. It had no business crawling up in there!"
A man walks into a bar in Brooklyn and asks the bartender to recommend a good drink. The bartender says that their grasshoppers are very so the man orders one. Then he has another couple.
On the way home henotices a grasshopper on the ground. He says to the grasshopper "do you know that there is a drink named after you?" The grasshopper looks up at the man and says "do you mean they have a drink called Irving?"
One day when God was making his annual checkup of the universe he looked down on earth and didn't like what he saw. He thought to himself, "If I've told them once I've told them a million times to get their act together. There is too much famine and too much war and people are not being nice to each other. I've had it! I'm going to destroy the earth. But I suppose should give them some warning."
So he called the three most important people on earth up to heaven for a conference. He called Boris Yeltzin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates. When they were assembled he said, "There isn't anything you can do about it but I am going to destroy the earth in three days. Go tell your people to prepare themselves."
Boris Yeltzin went back and gathered all the leaders of his government together and said, "I have bad news and I've got worse news. The bad news is, there really is a God. We've told everyone for years that there isn't one and now I know there is a God. The worse news is that he is going to destroy the earth in three days."
Bill Clinton called his cabinet together and said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that God thinks I am one of the three most important people on earth!! The bad news is that he is going to destroy the earth in three days."
Bill Gates called the heads of all his departments together and said, "I've got good news and I've got better news! The good news is that we have a benevolent God. He is giving us time to prepare ourselves for an important event. The better news is, We gon't have to fix Windows 95.
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to the extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender says, "No charge for you."
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Headaches -- Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A preacher visits an elderly woman for his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "Not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to eat few." "Oh thats's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
During the big football game between Temple and Penn State, one of the coaches happened to look into the stands and sees an empty seat. During halftime, he runs up the stadium steps and asks if anyone knows who owns the seat. An elderly white-haired woman says, "Mr. Coach, this seat belongs to my husband for more than 20 years and unfortunately, he passed on." The coach most sympathetic replies, "Couldn't you give the seat to a nephew or grandson?" She states, "I tried to, but everyone wanted to go to the funeral."
A farmer`s friend came to visit an they were touring the barn yard when the friend noticed that a pig had a wooden leg. So he ask the farmer why does thst pig have a wooden leg? Oh that pig is a good pig you know what that pig did? I was plowing on the side of a hill and my tractor turned over an pened me underneith the tractor that pig busted out of the pen, dug a hole under the tractor grabed my coat and pulled me to safety just before the tractor burst into flames. That`s a good pig.
Yes but it still don`t tell me why it has a wooden leg . Well you know what that pig did one other time? In the middle of ihe night our house started on fire an that pig busted out of the pen again and busted our door down, woke me and my wife up, and we were able to save our kid`s and some of our belonging`s. That`s a good pig.
But it still dont tell me why it has a wooden leg. Well heck man, a good pig like that you wouldn`t want to eat him all at once Would you?
A threesome starting a golf game met a lone golfer, Joe, on the first tee and asked him to join them. He accepted, proved to be a good golfer and played a great game. The 3 friends asked him to join them the next day and Joe agreed but warned them he might be late. The next day he arrived on time and they had a wonderful round. One man told him, "we're going to play again tomorrow, would you like to join us?" Again Joe agreed, but warned them he might be late. They told him it would be okay and they would wait for him. When he arrived right on time, they were puzzled but said nothing. Once again they had a fine time and again asked him to play the next day. Agreeing, Joe warned them he might be late.
The next day, he was late and when he arrived one of the players, curious, asked him, "The last two days you warned us you might be late but were right on time. This time you were late - what's going on? "Well, said Joe, "when I woke up the first day, my wife was sleeping on her right side. The next day, when I woke, she was sleeping on her left side. This morning, she was sleeping on her back and that's why I'm late..."
A Jewish missionary went to Africa to educate a tribe of pygmies called Trids. After a few weeks, during the first full moon, the rabbi noticed the Trids getting nervous. Then all of a sudden, a giant gorilla came out of the jungle and started kicking the Trids up in the trees.
The rabbi confronted the gorilla and said "Pick on someone your own size." The gorilla replied "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the middleast OTHER than Israel." No answer. A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel." No answer from anyone.
A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel. Still no answer from anyone.
Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-East, INCLUDING Israel.
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help." "God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?" Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yisgadal, v'yisgadash ...."
A man who was born and raised in a big city and worked in the crowded downtown area had spent much of his life dreaming of the day when he could move his family into a rural home or a farm where he could raise a big garden and have some animals etc. As usually happens in cases like that he did his house hunting in the nice summer days when all the flowers were in bloom and everything looked wonderful and paying very little attention to some of the more practical aspects of his purchase.
He finally bought an old farm whose buildings were quite old and in need of repair. After the novelty of rural living wore off he started noticing many of the old fashioned characteristics of the place. Both he and his wife soon got tired of running to the outside well and pumping water and also having to go outside and down the long path to the outhouse. He decided that the first improvent he would make would be to make a modern toilet and bathroom. This he discovered cost a lot of money as he had to put in a well and aseptic system and drain field.
He finally got it done. One Saturday afternoon he was standing in the barnyard and noticed the old , now unused backhouse. To save some money he decided to tear it down himself, but it was made from old boards and the spikes were so rusted that even with a crowbar he couldnt even get one of the boards off. So he went to the hardware store and purchased several sticks of dymanite and a long fuse and decided to blow it to pieces. So he placed the large quanity of dynamite under the outhouse and ran the long fuse across the yard to behind the barn.
When he was ready he carefully looked in all directions and then lit the fuse. However he had forgotten all about his old grandmother whose unbeknownst to him had been raised on a farm and was still using the old outhouse even though they had a modern bathroom.
As the fuse burned rapidly across the yard he heard the screen door slam and out across the yard ran grandma to the outhouse. By now thr fuse was getting short so he hollored out to grandma to stop but she was hard of hearing and paid no attention to him. She ran in the outhouse and closed the door. The man started to run toward the outhouse but suddenly realized that the fuse was almost to the dynamite but realizing he couldn't make it in time and, discretion being the better part of valor, ran back behind the barn.
The fuse quickly burned in under the edge of the outhouse and in a moment there was a tremendous explosion. The out house went in every direction and a few moments later the pieces of it and everything in it started landing and splashing down all over the yard. Finally grandma landed in the middle of it, wiped herself off and said "It must have been something I ate."
If sea gulls are called seagulls, then what are they called when they flys over a bay.. . a bagel??
A blonde goes for a job interview and is informed that the job will go to her if she can use the word fasinate in a sentence. The blonde thinks about it for a minute and then says,"I bought a coat this morning that had nine buttons but I can only fasten eight."
The time is when Fridays were fish days. A Protestanr minister moved into a Roman Catholis community. Every Friday he could be seen cooking steaks etc . Finally the people approached him and asked him to change to the Catholic Faith. He agreed to do this and after a while the Bishop annointed him with Holy water, sprinkling him three times and saying" In the name of the Father, the Son and the holy Ghost you are now a Catholic." The next Friday the man was outside Barbequing a roast of beef . the people protested to him, so he got some water, blessed it, and sprinkled it on the meat saying" In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost you are now fish"
An old man from a far off land was on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the younger man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man,"Excuse me si, why do you have your shirt collar on bckwards?" The priest politely answered,"I wear this collar because I am a Father." The old man thought for a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a Father but I wear my shirt front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the father for many." The old man quickly answered, "I am the father of many too. I have four sons, four daughters and to many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way? The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people. The old man was taken back and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
Q: How do you know if you are a real computing novice?
A: You cannot find the "any" key.
A lawyer called the Governor in the middle of the night and said, "Sir, I heard that judge Frump just passed away and I would like to take his place." The Governor sleepily replied; "Its fine with me, check with the undertaker."
An archaeologist had reached the edge of the Sahara Desert on his way to searching for the lost cities in the desert. Having no way to cross the desert he made his way to the "Hertz You Drive It Yourself" camel stand located at the edge of the desert.He started talking to the Arab who ran the stand about hiring a camel for the trip. The Arab asked him if he wanted a seven day camel or a fourteen day camel. The archaeologist was new at his job so he had to ask the arab what the difference was. The arab explained that the seven day camel could hold enough water for a seven day trip, while the fourteen day camel could hold enough water for a trip of fourteen days. The archaeologist said he would take the fourteen day camel.
The arab asked him if he knew how to water his camel. The young archaeologist not wanting to appear inexperienced said that he did. So he loaded his gear on the camel and went to the water trough and watered the animal and started on his way,
After they were on the desert for only seven days the camel up and died on him. This made him very angry because he checked his contract and indeed he had hired a fourteen day camel. In a very angry frame of mind he grabbed the camel by the tail and dragged him all the way back to the Hertz camel stand and showed the arab his contract stating he had hired a fourteen day camel. The arab went over to the camel and looked into the two saddle bags on the camel and said, "Where are the two bricks that were in these bags". The archaeologist said that when he loaded the camel he saw no reason to carry two bricks across the desert. The arab said, "I asked you before you started if you knew how to water the camel and you said that you did. Those two bricks are the difference between a seven day camel and a fourteen day camel". The archaeologist said he didn't see what difference they would make. The arab explained that when a camel drinks water from the trough he has to spread both his front and hind legs wide apart so that his head can reach the water. He said that in that position the camels genitals are hanging out in the open between his hind legs. He said that you have to watch the camel closely and when it has drunk up all the water it can hold for seven days, you have to sneak up behind him and with a brick in each hand you slam them together on the camels genitals. When you do that the camel goes OOOOOOOHHHHH and sucks up enough water for seven more days. The stunned archaeologist said " Golly, doesn't that hurt?". and the arab answered "Not if you keep your thumbs out from between the bricks".
The story goes that there was this lady married to a Cauacasian. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but somehow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher's and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The nest day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know what to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store and .......What were you thinking???? She brought her husband along because the guy could speak nglish!
John walked out onto the porch of the nursing home to inform his old buddies he was leaving the next day. One asked why he was leaving. John said " because I'm getting married. I'm going to marry a 20 year old beautiful blond". One of the friends said " John, don't do that, all that sex could kill a person". John said " If she dies she dies".
Paul Harvey said, "The best way to stop a fight is to make love." Jay Leno said, "That would really create havoc in a hockey game."
With the approach of winter, a flock of birds started the flight South to warmer climes. During the flight, one young bird, unable to stand the pace, dropped out, landing in a pasture. A terrible storm was howling and he began to freeze to death. A cow accidentally passed by and unloaded a huge, wet terd on him. The young bird began to thaw out; he flapped his wings in joy. Just then a huge cat passed by, saw the bird, seized it, and swallowed it although it was covered with manure. This story has several morals: 1. Not everybody who shits on you is your enemy; not everybody who shits on you is your friend; and -- when you are nice and safe in a pile of shit don't move.
How do you know when a blond has been using your computer?........From the white-out on the screen!
A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest. A little boy playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose."
A gent named Tate invented a compass. It was a very shphisticated thing based on a new theory of magnetism. It went on sale at all the fancy sporting good stores and was in all the outdoor catalogs. Far and wide people were buying what had come to be called Tate's compass. Suddenly, it was discovered that the compass was notoriously unreliable. After that it became a maxim of outdoor life that he who has a Tate's is lost.
Julius Caesar orders Brutus to get him a dozen apples. He soon returns and hands the apples to Caesar. On counting them, Caesar finds only ten. Angrily he turns to Brutus and snarls, "ET TU, BRUTE?"
What is dracula's favorite dish? The quiche of death.
After scientist perfected the cloning technique, they decided that each person should have a copy, which would be stored until the original person died, at which point the copy would carry on. At first it was decided that the clones would be made in alphabetical order. However, many people without relatives argued that they should have priority so that they could carry on their names. The scientists decided this was fair and decreed, "Let him who is without kin stash the first clone."
An Irishman comes out of a pub one dark night in Belfast and stops to light a cigarette. He hears the "snick" of a gun being cocked behind him and feels the cold muzzle of a gun on his neck. Drunken voice: Tell me Mick, is you a Catholic or is you a Protestant? Victim (thinking fast): I'm a Jew. Drunken voice (after a few moments of thought): Is you a Catholic Jew or is you a Protestant Jew?
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehendingcriminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each agency has to try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist!
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming!
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit. I'm a rabbit!".
An old lady came into her Doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do"? "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week".
The next week an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blake's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they are still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself"? "Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now we know we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing"!
Two ladies sitting under the dryers in a beauty saloon were talking, when one says: "All this sex is a pain in the neck". - "But dear", says the other one, "You must be doing something wrong".
During medival times a King was felt called upon to be a part of the Great Crusades, where the Knights and soldiers of the christian nations felt that they must go to the holy land and recapture the Holy Grail. For many days preparations were made at the castle for the great adventure. Finally the great day 0f the departure arrived. The King, resplendant in his shining armor, on his white horse, and followed by his many Knights were ready to leave. The king was bidding his last fond farewell to his beautiful young queen. He turned to his best and most trusted friend who was to remain behind, and said " I am entrusting you with the key to my wife's chastisy belt. You are to guard her with your very life. If after five years I do not return or you get authentic news of my death you may take my wife for yourself, marry herand devout your life to making her happy" On bended knee before his King the friend accepted the key with a tearful eye and vowed he would do as the King had bade him to do. Then with a great blast of trumpets the gates were opened and the bridge let down over the moat and the King and his entourage left the castle. As the troop passed beside the castle outside it's walls the King Heard a frantic call. He lifted his visor and saw his entrusted friend running wildly along the top of the battlement waving his arms frantically and shouting WRONG KEY!
A new government survey reveals seniors predominent carriers of AIDs!! -- hearing aids, Rolaids, band-aids.....
There was a man sitting in his room. He began to talk to God. The man said, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" God replied, "Well so you would like them." "Oh" the man replied, "why did you make women so soft?" again, God replied, "So you would like them." The man was pensive for a moment and then asked, "God, why then did you make women so darned stupid?" God replied, "So they would like you!"
A teacher told her class that they were going to study e-bonics. She would give them four words to make into sentences. They were RED, NACHOS,FASCINATE AND MOTEL. Little Mary raised her hand and told the teacher that she could. She said "I have a RED dress." The teacher said she meant to make sentences using all the words. Little Mary said, "I have a RED dress, its mine NACHOS, it has nine buttons down the back but I only FASCINATE and every time I bend over, my sister says she can see MOTEL.....
Elderly Memory - Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on the front porch one afternoon, when one comments on how his arthritis has been a problem of late. "What medication do you use?", he asks the other. At this, the fellow thinks for a bit, then replies, "Oh, my memory is just terrible. Let's see. What's the name of that flower that grows on a long, thorny stem, and has lots of red petals and smells so nice?" His companion ventures. "A rose!" That's it!", he says as he turns toward the front door to ask, "HEY ROSE! What's the name of that arthritis medicine I've been using?!"
One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.
Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. "Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.
On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?" The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house,the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!" So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk.
Inside are three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash. "Jeez!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?" "Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk." The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?" "Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."
A man takes a day off work and decides to go golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood." The guy takes out a 3 Wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life and asked the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replied "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas, and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000.00, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, the frog deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room!"
Woman driving down street with three penguins in the back seat. Cop: "What are you doing with those penguins? Take them to the zoo!" Next day, same scenario, but with penguins in sunglasses. Cop: "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." Woman: "I did. Today we're going to the beach."
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
Dogs don't cry
Dogs love it when your friends come over
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
Dogs think you sing great
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you if you are playing with other dogs
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
Dogs are excited by rough play
Dogs don't mind if you give their offsprings away
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
Anyone can get a good looking dog
If a dog is gorgeous,other dogs don't hate it
Dogs don't shop
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dogs parents never visit
Dogs love long car trips
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it
Dogs like beer
Dogs don't hate their bodies
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood
Dogs never criticize
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
Dogs never expect gifts
Dogs don't worry about germs
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
You never have to wait for a dog; they are ready to go 24 hours a day
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry
Dogs don't borrow your shirt
Dogs never want foot rubs
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
Dogs find you amusing when you are drunk
Dogs can't talk
Dogs seldom outlive you
A cat burglar is going about his business burgling a house. He stops every so often when he hears a voice saying: 'Jesus is watching you. Jesus will get you.' He moves to another room and hears the voice again: 'Jesus is watching you. Jesus will get you.' He turns the light on and sees a parrot in the corner of the room. 'Is that you?' he says, 'saying Jesus is watching you, Jesus will get you?' The parrot says, 'Yes, of course.' The burglar says, ' What's your name?' The parrot replies, 'Clarence.' The burglar shrieks, 'Clarence? what kind of idiot gives a bird a stupid name like Clarence?' And the bird replies, 'The same idiot that called that rottweiler over there Jesus!!'
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy" "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history.
The Apocalypse -- God looks down on earth and decides he's had enough. With a crack of thunder, He summons to heaven the three most powerful people on Earth: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates. "Gentlemen," God says. "I have called you here because I am truly disappointed in humans and decided to end the world. You have one week to prepare your people." With a crack of thunder, God sends all three back to Earth.
Bill Clinton calls together his Cabinet and tells them: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is he's really ticked off at us and is going to end the world in a week."
Boris Yeltsin calls together his Parliament and says: "Comrades, I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that He's very mad at us and the world is going to end in a week."
Bill Gates calls together his top engineers and says: "I have good news and better news. The good news is God considers me one of the three most powerful people in the world. The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 95."
Several years ago two men were walking down a dusty dirt road when They came upon a dead animal in the ditch. One thought that it was a donkey, the other thought that it was a burro. As they were trying to figure it all out, along came a man of the cloth. When they asked him what he thought it was he said "Well according to scripture it is an ass."" But as long as it is dead why don't you do the neighborly thing and bury it?" So they started to dig a grave for it. The next passerby shouted at them, "are you guys digging a fox hole?" One of them shouted back, "Not according to scripture!"
A Yuppie couple decided to move to a farm and raise hogs. They appealed to their neighbor, Farmer Brown, for assistance. He sold them a sow and assured them that his boar was the best in the county and would produce the best crop of piglets ever, "just bring 'er on over when you're ready". The couple were thrilled and could hardly wait to get started with their "pig crop." But how, they wondered could they haul the sow to Farmer Brown's? Not in their BMW car! Then, the husband thought of putting the pig in the wheelbarrow and pushing it and the appointed day went as planned.
The next morning, the husband rushed out to the pig pen. "Oh, honey," asked the wife when he came back into the kitchen, "are there any little pigs yet?" "No" was the response. So..... Back into the wheelbarrow went the pig for another trip to Farmer Brown's. This went on every day for a week and the couple were becoming quite discouraged. "This is it," the husband announced at breakfast, "I'm taking her back one more time. If we don't have little pigs tomorrow, off she goes to the butcher" and away they went to Farmer Brown's.
Next morning, when the husband came in from the barnyard, the wife anxiously asked, "Well, do we have any little pigs yet?" "No, he replied, "but the damn pig is sitting in the wheelbarrow with a smile on her face!"
But if you let them stay to long
They get all green and fury.
The policeman pulled over the elderly driver and said, "My gosh, man, didn't you realize your wife fell out of your car three miles back?" "Oh thank God," exclaimed the old gent, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A woman approched the Pearly Gates and St.Peter said, " Been married 4 times, I see." She answered: "Yes. First to a banker, then an actor, then a beautician and the last was to a funeral director." "Why so many times?", asked St. Peter. The woman replied: "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Two young boys were having a discussion. One asked the other, "What do you know about circumcision? My parents have been taking about having this done to me." His friend answered, "Well, I had it done when I was first born, so I can't remember much about it except that I couldn't walk for a year."
Walking down the street, a dog saw a sign in an office window, "Help Wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal-opportunity employer." The dog applied for the position, but he was quickly rebuffed. "I can't hire a dog for this job," the office manager said. But when the dog pointed to the line that read "An equal opportunity employer," the office manager sighed and asked, "Can you type?" Silently, the dog walked over to a typewriter and flawlessly banged out a letter. "Can you operate a computer?" the manager inquired, The dog then sat down at a terminal, wrote a program and ran it perfectly. "Look, I still can't hire a dog for this position," said the exasperated office manager. "You have fine skills, but I need someone who's bilingual. It says so right in the ad." The dog looked up at the manager and said, "MEOW".
A woman was taking her husband to the doctor. After he had examined him, the doctor went out to talk to the wife. She asked how he was. The doctor said, "you are going to have to fix his meals three times a day, every day, you must keep his clothes in order, bathe him, put his pajamas on and make love to him every night or he will die". The wife inside to see her husband and he asked "what did the doctor say"? The wife looked at him and said "you're going to die"!
The army recruits were send out for a field exercise. Three soldiers were singled out for special duty. Bob was told to disguise himself as a log. Harry was to add leaves to his helmut and look like a bush. Billy was to stand and look like a tree. The Sergeant explained that live ammunition would be used and that under no circumstances should they move from their positions. They took their assigned positions and the firing exercise began. All of a sudden Billy started running back to the Sergeant. The Sergeant was furious. He yelled at Billy "Why did you move. You could have been killed"! Billy replied: Well, I didn't mind when the dog came over, lifted his leg and watered my leg. I didn't flinch when the bird flew over and dropped some do-do on my head. But, Sarge, when the two squirrels ran up my pant leg and one said to the other "let's eat one now and save the other for Christmas", I got out.
A married couple were walking down the street arguing in loud voices. Behind them two homos were walking, and one said to the other: "These mixed marriages never work out".
An elderly immigrant to Israel from Germany, was chided by her grandson for not speaking good Hebrew after 50 years in Israel. "Well," she said, "at least I know three words in Hebrew you don't know." Her grandson asked in surprise: "What are they?" And the grandmother replied: "Please, Thank You, and Excuse me."
A man was telling his friend about an experience he has in a local restaurant. He said" when I entered the restaurant I noticed all the tables were taken. I waited a bit and a man got up from his table to leave. I rushed right over to that table and sat down even though the dishes had not been cleared away. As I was waiting for the waitress I noticed that the previous man had left his glass eye in his water glass. I looked up and saw that the man had not as yet left the restaurant so I grabbed the glass eye and ran after the man shouting, 'Sir you left your glass eye in the glass at the table'. Ever since then I have been known as "Honest John".
Did you hear about the used car dealer that set the odometer back on a tread mill he was selling at a garage sale?
Two elephants saw a naked man running by. One elephant said to the other"Did you see that?: Yes said the other, I wonder how he can breathe through that small thing.
Hundreds of years ago, Fuertes was traveling around in Greece. One day he found a beautiful little plant, which he decided to take home. In order to keep it alive, he planted it in a birds bone. Later, as the plant grew, he found it necessary to transplant it in to lions bone. - and later on into the cranium of a donkey. When he got home he placed the whole thing in his garden and the plant grew and grew and produced the sweetest grapes. And when he drank the juices he found that he first became happy like a bird, then strong like a lion and finally dumb like an ass.
Joe: "I wish the women would leave the driving to us."
John: "Hey! What happened?"
Joe: "My wife backed the car out of the garage this morning."
John: "So what's wrong with that?"
Joe: "I backed it in last night."
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". "One," said the young salesman. "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle and saw a herd of Elephants coming towards them. Tarzan said "Here comes the Elephants." But, what did he say when he saw the herd of Elephants, and they were wearing sun glasses? - nothing, he didn't recognize them.
What were Tarzans last words ? Who greased the vine?
What's this? "If you like, you can pay for our dinner with four easy payments of just $19.95 each."
That's Judy, the Time-Life operator, out on a date.
How many U.S. soldiers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: Only one- but he does it from thirty miles away using laser targeting, at a cost of $1000,000.
The soldiers had been out in the field for ten days living under battle-field conditions: no hot food, no showers, no clean laundry, and so on. One day the captain called his men together: "Men, I have good news for you. Today we change our underwear. Mike, you change with Bill; Bill you change with Mac; Mac you change with David; David you change with John; John you change with . . . . .
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
A member of the Heaven's Gate cult wanted to do a little research on the subject of suicide before he did the big thing, so he went to the local library. "Hi", he says to the librarian." Do you have any books on suicide?" " Yes," says the librarian. And she points him to the section where the suicide books are kept. In a minute he comes back and tells her he found the section, but there are no books in it. "Oh, yeah," she says. " They check them out, but they never return them!"
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
The ladies at the senior center are having tea. Mary states that she is going to get married. Joan asks "Is he rich?" Mary "No, not exactly" Barbara asks "Is he handsom?" Mary "No, not exactly" Hazel asks "Is he sexy?" Mary "No, not exactly" Joan, Barbara, Hazel "Well if he isn"t rich and he isn"t handsom and he isn"t sey, why are you marrying him? Mary "He can drive at night"
If a man is in the Forest, talking to himself, with no women around, is he still wrong?
A women sitting on a couch with her tommy cat asleep on her lap, polishing a recent garage sale purchase, which was an old urn. As usual, a genie came out and thanked her for freeing him from his confinement and told her she could make one wish and it would be granted. She said "I wish this cat would turn into a handsome young man who would put his arms around me and whisper something sexy in my ear". Her wish was promptly granted. A handsom young man took the place of the cat, and he put his arms around her and whispered, "Don't you wish you hadn't had me altered?"
When they were married sixty years ago, at the age of 20, they swore "till death do us part"; faithfulness. But the young wife, being wise in the ways of men, gave him a black box, with a lock. Wife: "If you should ever cheat on me in a moment of weakness, darling, drop a bean in the box." He promised, but asked her to drop a bean in a similar black box 'If she should ever cheat on him in a moment of weakness." Sixty years passed. Husband: "Let's open the boxes." Wife (hesitantly): "You open yours first." It contained three beans. Wife: "What a wonderful husband you've been. You've only cheated on me once every twenty years." Husband: "Let's open your box, dear". Her box was empty. Husband: Oh, forgive me for my suspicious nature. To tell you the truth never a week has passed that I didn't suspect you of having an affair with someone." Wife: "Well, dear, to tell you the truth, I was not as good as that empty box indicates. Do you remember that terrible blizzar last winter when we were snowbound for an entire week and I couldn't go out to buy food?" Husband: "Of course, I remember. How could I ever forget that week. We ate beans three times a day during that week . . . . Oh, My God."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A thirtyish woman was terribly depressed because she wasn't able to land a man. Finally, a friend persuaded her to get a pet--at least she would have some companionship. So off she went to the next town where there was an excellent pet shop. But when she looked over the dogs, she found none that attracted her. Same with the cats. Then she happened to spy a beautiful big green frog, and was so taken with it that she purchased it and headed home, the frog sitting on the seat beside her. Stopping for a red light, she picked up the frog and said, "Oh, you're so wonderful. I just love you." And she gave the frog a great big kiss . Instantly, the big green frog turned into a handsome prince. And guess what she turned into? (the next motel).
Two classmates, returned to their sorority house for their 20th reunion, were bringing each other up to date on their lives. "Did you marry?" asked Gwen. "Oh, yes," replied Helen. "Twice. But they're both dead now." "Oh, I'm sorry," said Gwen. "What happened?" "Well, Ted, the first one, died from eating poison mushrooms. "How tragic! And what happened to the second?" "That was Jerry. He died just last year. A fractured skull." "My goodness. That's terrible. How did it happen?" "Oh," said Gwen. "He simply wouldn't eat his mushrooms."
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn`t get her tomatos to ripen. Admiring her neighbor`s garden which had beautiful, bright ripe tomatos, she went one day and inquired of him his secret."Its really quite simple" the old man explained."twice a day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatos and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So" he asked,"Any luck with your tomatos?" "No," she replied excitedly..." But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!" The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!" "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation!" When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplet. "Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point, the fourth guy faints. After they revive him, the others ask what's wrong. "What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
A farmer had about 30 cows that needed servicing, but he did not have a bull. So he went to his friend down the road and asked if he could buy one of his bulls. The friend said he would sell him his best bull and he would guarentee him. A week later the two met in town and the friend said, "How is my bull doing?" The farmer said, "He isn't doing anything all he does is just sit around and eat, he hasn't touched one of my cows."
The friend says, "I guarenteed him, take him to the vet and he will fix him up and I will pay the bill." So that was what the farmer did. A week later they met in town again. The friend says, "How is my bull doing now?" The farmer said, "I couldn't believe it, he serviced all 30 of my cows in just one afternoon." The friend said, "My goodness what did the vet give him?" The farmer said, "I don't remember the name of the medicine, but it sort of tasted like peaches."
Our daughter Joan recently unearthed this little known physiological fact. Women do not spit, belch, or fart, therefore they must bitch, or they will blow up!
As the pharmacist was leaving the drug store to go to the bank, he said to the soda jerk (see it really is an older joke) "take care of whatever you can, Tell the rest of the people that I will be back within the hour." On his return he asked what had happened. The kid said "nothing much; except for the man who wanted something for his cough, but I took care of that." "What did you give him ?" "I gave him some castor oil!" "Why on earth did you give him that for a cough?" "See him over there at the corner holding on to the telephone pole?" "He doesn't dare cough!!!"
Two whales were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship appeared. The male suggested to the female that they have some fun and tip the ship over with their blow holes. She was hesitant at first, but finally went along with it. Then, he said," since that was so much fun, let's go back and eat the sailors!" To which, she exclaimed, "I went along with you on the blow-job! But, no! You're not going to get me to eat seamen, too."
Man's Sex Life It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" But the Lord was very adamant - that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass out of himself.
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was St. Peter himself who greeteed him with a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great statue in heaven. You may pass through The Gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven. You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything your Holiness desires?
"Well yes" the Pope replied. " I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between The Lord and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time.
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of mans relationship with The Lord.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angelsa came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment repeating over and over. "There's an "R" in it!!!...... T here's an "R" in it!!!!...... There's an "R" in it!!! It's.....It's ....It's CELEBRATE not celebate.
A father and his young son were g oing fishing one day, they were walking down the path to the stream when the boy saw a honey bee on the ground. He suddenly decided to step on the bee, so he did, the father says, boy you shoulden't have stepped on that bee, he is part of nature, and just for that you're not going to get any honey for a month. They continued on down the path to the stream and the boy saw a butterfly, he reached over on the bush and grabbed the butterfly and smushed it. The father said, now just for that young man you're not gtting any butter for month. They stayed and fished awhile and then returned home. Mother was fixing dinner and they had a nice fish fry. When they finished, Mother gets up and starts doing the dished when out from under the cubbard ran a cockroach, she immediately stepped on it, smashing it. The boy looked at his father and says, "Dad, do you want to tell her or shall I?"
By His Side - Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . . . You know what?" "What dear?" She asks gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."
Him got no home at all,
Him got no hair, him no care,
Him got no hair!
A frog phones the Psychic Hotline and is told, " You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog gets excited at this prospect. It says to the psychic, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party or what? "No, not at a party," said the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Sure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal looks up at the other cannibal and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
In the middle ages a King felt the calling to lend his support to the Great Crusades that were going on to try to retrieve the Holy Grail from the Sarazans in Jerusalem. For many days prior to his departure there was much ado in his castle making preparations. Finally the great day arrived and the King, resplendant in his shining armor and on his white horse along with his entourage of many gallant knights and amid much ceremony were preparing to leave. The King was biding has last farewell to his beautiful young Queen and turned to his old and trusted friend who was to remain behind. He said " I am leaving on my lifes most important mission and can not be certain whether I shall return. I am hereby entrusting you with the key to my wife's chasity belt which I want you to guard with your very life. If after five years I do not return or you receive valid notice of my death you may take my wife for yourself and care and provide for her for the rest of her life" On bended knee the trusted friend accepted the key with a tear in his eye and vowed to do as his King had ordered. Then with much fanfare and blowing of trumpets the gates were opened, the drawbridge was lowered over the moat and the King and his procession proceeded out of the castle. As the King was passing along the road outside the moat he heard loud shouts. He lifted his visor and saw his trusted friend running excitedly along the top of the battlement walls waving his arms and shouting WRONG KEY! WRONG KEY.!
About the Hereafter -- The Preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking more about the "Hereafter". I told him that I DO... ALL THE TIME. No matter where I am; in the kitchen, in the bedroom, or in the garage...I always ask myself,"Now, what am I HERE AFTER???".
I once had a friend by the name of John Odd. He hated his last name. Said people constantly made fun of it, called he and his wife 'the odd couple', named him 'the odd man out' wherever he went, etc. He directed his wife that upon his death he wanted to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, blank, zilch. Well, upon his demise, she complied with his wishes. However, the irony of this story is that people visiting the cemetary, seeing his grave and the blank headstone would exclaim, "Look, isn't that odd?"
Joe was just getting a haircut when the barber asked: "Tell me Joe, what do you think about condo's?" "I don't know", said Joe, "I never use them".
Golfer, watching a buddy struggle into a girdle: "Since when have you been wearing a girdle?" Buddy, with a sigh: "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment".
A professor of English teaching in a French school would assign home work that was comprised of a word which was to be used by the students in a sentence. One day he assigned the word, PROBABLY. The next day the professor asked, "Antoine -- you have the word PROBABLY in a sentence?" "Oui, professor. On the way to my home yesterday, I see zee man. He stand on zee cornair. PROBABLY, he wait for zee autobus." "Very good, Antoine. Ah, Marie?" "Oui, professor. Zis morning, I see zee lady. She go into zee patisseri. PROBABLY, she buy zee cupcake." "Very good, Marie. Ah, now you Gaston." "Oui, professor. Last night, zee music teacher, he come to my house. He give zee piano lesson to my sistair. Zee go into zee music room and close the door. I peek through zee keyhole. Zee professor, he pull down his pants, my sistair she pull up her skirt. My muzzair, she chase me from zee keyhole. PROBABLY, zey pee all over zee piano!"
An elderly couple, both in their late sixties decided that they should try and have another child, but ended up in their doctor's office for an exam. The doc said they both were healthy for their age, the lab exam was the only thing left to do, so with proper instructions the doc sent them into a room with a small bottle for a sample. After a very long time the doctor decided to check on the couple. Upon entering the room to his amazement, there was the lady on the floor totally out of breath, the man was sprawled in a chair barely able to speak. Shocked, the doctor asked what happened. The man, panting between words, hardly audiable, "Doc,... I tried it with my right hand,... I tried it with my left hand,... my wife tried it with her left ...hand and her right hand,... she tried it with both of her hands. Doc,... she even tried it with her teeth, but we just could'nt get the top off that bottle."
If you have never heard of Charley Prose, who has this story on tape, I will tell you about the two idiots who were driving to Florida. They saw a big sign,"Clean Restrooms Ahead." Do you know. before they got to Miami, they had cleaned 450 of them.
The lady of the house was taking her morning bath when the maid knocked on the bathroon door. "Miss, there's a blind man at the door, insists her must talk to you." Darn, just now when I wanted to soak! "Tell him to come back later," she yelled. "Did, won't go away," replied the maid. What to heck, she thought. Out of the tub, down the stairs, dripping wet, he's blind don't need a robe. Opened the door. "Here's your blinds, lady."
Why did the old lady leave on her roller skates when she sat in her rocking chair? Because she wanted to ROCK and ROLL.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
There were two entrances to the Pearly Gates and over one was a sign saying "Henpecked Husbands". There was an extremely long line in fromt of that entrance. The other entrance had a sign saying "He-men". There was only one shriveled up little guy waiting there. St. Peter went up to the little guy and asked him why he was waiting there and the little guy said "my wife told me to stand here".
The Captain's Parrot -- A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another day, and another day. After a week the parrot said: "OK. I give up. Where is the boat ?"
Couple were celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary. .Everyone was complementing them and asking what was the main thing that kept the marriage together for so many years..The husband piped up TWO WORDS.. YES DEAR!!!
How to Train a Dog -- There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas, had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a charismatic evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the evangelist, who promptly directed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy. The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet. Then he says, "Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go. "Sure," replies the evangelist. "Heel," says the owner, and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man, and says "I command this sickness to leave you..."
A Scotsman, Italian and Canadian are drinking in a bar when a most distinguished bearded man enters and sits at a far table. They know this must be JC. Impressed, the Scotsman, who has a bad back, orders a bottle of the best scotch in the house and takes it to him. " please accept this with my compliments, my Lord". Later JC approaches the Scots table, thanks him and places his hand on his back. Miraculously he is cured. The Italian, who has bad neck, orders the finest Itsalian wine, delivers it to JC with the same message. Awhile later JC again approches their table, thanks the Italian and places his hand on his neck. Again there is an instant cure to their amazement. The Canadian, not to be outdone, delivers a superb rye whiskey to JC with his compliments. After sampling this offering, JC approched the table once more and moved towards the Canadian. Alarmed the Canadian said, "Pleaase don't touch me, My Lord, or I will lose my workmens compensation".
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell... Ms Smith: "Good morning." Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....." Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. You'll be reassured to know that I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins." Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?" Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do." Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it." Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out." Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me." Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, "I aim to please.'" Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?" Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?" Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London." Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!" Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?" Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Ms Smith: "A good look?" Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?" Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store." Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it." Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?" Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith? ... Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"
Four golfers standing on first tee awaiting their tee-off time. They notice a funeral cortege passing by on an adjoining road. One of the group seperates himself from the group, walks down to the side towards the road, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. His friends standing back on the tee of course notice this and one remarks, "Isn't that touching that someone would have the graciousness and sinserity to pause and pay their respects to the dead like that. You don't see much of that anymore." One of the group spoke up, "Well he should, it's his wife's funeral."
Henry and his buddies had been playing a round of golf all day. However, his wife waiting at home had become very impatient when he was much later than usual in coming home. But finally Henry arrived home and was somewhat wary about entering the house because he knew his wife would be furious with him. But finally he got up the courage and entered the house. Upon entering his wife lit into him, "Where in the world have you been all this time? Supper has gotten cold, and I've worried myself to death. Explain yourself." Looking somewhat sheepish, he began his explanation. "Well you know we were playing with George today. And you know George has a weak heart. And wouldn't you know it, right there on the first tee he had a heart attack and died. And for the test of the day it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George."
God and St. Peter were surveying the world below one Sunday morning when they spied preacher John standing in the pulpit preparing to preach with his gold shoes on and his liesure pants on beneath his robes. And his golf clubs were stashed closely by. "Just look at that" said St. Peter. "He can't wait until tomorrow to play golf, he has to play on the sabbath." He stated further, "Surely you are not going to let him get away with that, are you?" God said,"Don't worry, in due time I will mete out the correct punishment." Preacher John hurriedly left church after the sermon and headed for the golf course. There he approached the first tee, carefully placed his ball on the tee and with a mighty swing sent the ball soaring down the first fairway. It flew straight and long. St. Peter said, "That's punishment with the ball travelling so far?" God said, "Just be patient, in due time I'll give him just punishment." The ball kept sailing toward the first green, landed just a few feet in front, rolled on the green and into the cup - a hole in one on a par four hole. Marvelous! St. Peter could hardly contain himself, "That's punishment?" God said, "Indeed yes, who can he tell?"
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it. " Third Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
Unka Willard been fish'n down by de crick all de day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout redeye to leave when de dun spied a snake wit a toadie frog in hits mouth. He knowed that dem big bassfish likes toadie frogs so he dun decided to steal that froggie. That snake, hit be a cottn mouthed water moccasin so'd he have to be real carefull like or he'd git bit. He snuk up behind the snake and grabbed him roun the haid. That ole snake di'nt lik hit one bit. He commemced to squirm'n an wrapped hitself around unka Willard's arm try'n to get free, but Unk had a real good grip on his haid.
Well Unka Willard pried hit's mouth open and got de frog and put's it his bait can. Now Unka Willard knows that he cain't let go of de snake or hit's goin' ta bite's him, but he had a plan. He reached into the back pocket of'n his bib over-hauls and pulls out a pint o' moonshine likker. He pours a couple of draps inta the snakes mouth. Well that snake's eyeballs roll back in hits head and hits body goes limp. Wit dat Unka Willard toss's duh snake inta da crick then he goes back tuh fish'n. A while later Unka Willard dun feel sumptin tapp'n on his barefoot toe. Well he slowly look down and dare be dat water mocassin, and he gat two toadie frogs in his mouth.
The teacher asked the class, "Who knocked down the Wall of Jericho?" A lil guy in the back row responded, "I didn't do it." So the next day she confronted the boy's mother on the street & told her, "I asked my class who knocked down the Wall Of Jericho, and your boy responded he didn't do." "Well, if my boy said he didn't do it, he didn't do it." So the teacher went to the boy's home & confronted the dad with this tale. The old fella got up out bed & said "Well, I don't want any trouble. How much did the wall cost."
Do you know where they get virgin wool? From the r-e-a-llll ugly sheep.
A childless couple decided to adopt a Mexican baby. After they got the baby, they decided to enroll in a Spanish class. When asked why, the wife replied, "So that when the baby starts to talk, we'll be able to understand him.
A lawyer was busy perusing through piles of documents in preparation of an upcoming trial, so he asked his new receptionist to keep out all visitors. He told her, "whatever they say, just tell them, 'that's what they all say'". That afternoon, a woman visitor insisted on seeing the lawyer and receptionist refused to let her in. The woman said, "but I'm his wife!" "That's what they all say."
A man walked into the doctors office, said to receptionist, "I need to see the doctor." What seems to be the problem?" she asked. "I can't piss." was the reply. "Sir," she said, "can't you be a little more refined. All these people sitting here must be terribly offended by the language you used." "But," he replied, "you asked me what was wrong." "Yes," was her reply, "but you could have been a little more genteel. You could have said something like, 'my arm hurts' or 'there's something wrong with my ear.' Then when you see the doctor, you could be more explicit with him. Now you go outside, come back in and lets see if we can't get this transaction taken care of without offending anyone." Man left, returned, said he needed to see doctor. "What seems to be the problem?" receptionist asked. "There's something wrong with my ear," the man replied. "That's so much better," she said, "see how easy that was and how much better it sounded. Now, what's wrong with your ear?" The man responded, "I can't piss out of it!"
Man is in examining room. Doctor points out the door to the room at the end of the hall. "There's a bottle on the back of the commode in that room down the hall. I need you to give me a specimen." Man looked at dr sceptically, looked down the hall, looked back at dr and said, "From here?"
A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occassion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marraige and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick. The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden". And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy".
There's a guy with a Doberman pincher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." They guy at the door says, "A Doberman pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. They guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." They guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says," You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
An Indian, a Mexican and an Irishman were stranded on a desert island after their ship sank in a storm. A few weeks had passed when a strange bottle washed ashore. The Indian picked it up and rubbed the sand off its surface. Suddenly there was a flash and a large genie appeared before them. The genie granted each man one wish. "Oh, please," said the Indian, "I want to go home to India!" In an instant he was gone. "I want to go back to Mexico City!" The Mexican pleaded. In a flash he too disappeared. There stood the Irishman, alone with the genie. "Gosh, it sure is lonely around here," the Irishman said."I wish I had my two friends back!"
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
DUMB MEN JOKES ..... Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? -- So men can understand them
What is the difference between government bonds and men? -- Government bonds mature
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? -- Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women? - When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
What did GOD say after HE created man? - I can do better than this.
How do men define a "50-50" relationship? - women cook/men eat- women clean/men dirty - women iron/men wrinkle
How do men exercise at the beach? - By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.
Did you hear about the two drunks walking down the railroad tracks? One look to the other and said, "this is the longest pairs of stairs I ever climed in my life." The other drunk said, "it's not the stairs that bother me, it these low banasters."