GROAN JOKES - 1Jokes from many sites on the Internet and are not copyrighted.
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn′t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they′re trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster.I′ve got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you′re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you′re hot stuff, don′t you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ....... "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Two men lived side by side in a small rural town. Pat had a large police dog and Tom had a small fluffy dog. One night Pat came home and he was getting out of his car he saw his dog shaking his head from side-to-side. He had something in it's mouth and it looked like it was his neighbors little dog. He ran to his dog and took it out of his mouth. Feeling very bad, he took the small dog down to his cellar and washed and cleaned it up. He waited till it was dark and went over to his neigbors house and put the dog on the porch and put his chain and leash on him and went back home. The next day as he was leaving for work Tom met him and said, "You know Pat, we have some sick people living around here. My small fluffy dog died last week and I buried him in my back yard and this morning I looked in my back yard and saw he was dug up and then when I came out my front door there he was tied up on the porch.
This elder doctor could no longer contain himself with this unbearable female patient...he had all he could stand with years of her complaining and running off at the mouth about her problems and his inability to cure them. He finally did what he had always wanted to do. He slapped her face as hard as he could. Wouldn't you know it...the judge had no sympathy...threw the book at him...fined him fifty bucks. The judge looked somewhat puzzled when doc handed him a $100.00. Doc said, "Keep the change, if that's all you are going to charge, I might want to slap her again."
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick." Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
What is infatuation? The opposite of liposuction.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Now that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".
An 80+ year old woman came home one day and found her equally elderly husband amourously involved with a cute young thing in the bedroom. The woman was enraged! During the fracus that resulted, she pushed him off the balcony of their 17 floor apartment. She was charged with murder and tried. "But your honor," she said, "I didn't mean to hurt him." "You didn't mean to hurt him?" the judge asked. "M'am, you pushed him off the balcony from the 17th floor." Yes," she said, "but, all those things I had just seen him doing, I thought if he could do that, surely he could fly!"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
The farmer was out in his field trying to get another season of plowing from his old mule when all of a sudden this enterprizing city slicker came by in his Lincoln. Slamming on his brakes, ramed it into reverse and came back to the farmer.He said, "Nice looking horse you got there, want to sell him?" The farmer couldn't hold back his joy, the words just leaped out of his mouth, "ya, fifty bucks." The suited-dude pealed off a fifty a yelled he would be back the next day with a trailer. The farmer couldn't contain his excitement all through the night. The old mule had been around for years and he only paid ten bucks for him. A dream come true. Would you believe it...the mext day at dawn the farmer and mule were at the same spot near the road, when to his amazement the old mule coughed once and keels over dead as a door nail. Just about that time here comes the Lincoln, the city guy was right there with the trailer. What a let down. Talk about a busted bubble, the pits, a bad hair day all rolled into one. The city guy come on around and after seeing what happened, didn't hesitate. Asked the farmer to help load the dead mule on the trailer. Puzzled the farmer aboliged and soon the city slicker, Linclon, trailer and dead mule were all gone.
Just so happened the next month while in town the farmer spotted the same guy. The man came over, shook his hand, patted him on the back and gave him another fifty dollar bill. The puzzled farmer asked what happened, the man said he made $645.00 on the deal. The farmer asked him how he did that. The city guy said he sold the mule in a raffel. The farmer said, "Didn't they get mad?" The city slicker said, "Heck no, just the one, and I gave him back his dollar."
Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to take a sunbathe there every day. Since there were no higher hotels near it, she would take off her bathing suit and be in the nude. So she was in the nude and she was lying on her stomach, and she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her. The man said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here." She said, "You never protested before." He said, "No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit." She said, "Why do you care? No one can see." He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of a dining room."
A man goes up to the ticket window of the movied theater with his pet chicken on his shoulder. He asks for 2 tickets. The cashier asks who the other ticket is for and the tells her, "It's for my pet chicken." She tells him, "You can't take a chicken in there!" So the man leaves, goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He goes back, buys one ticket, and goes into the theater. The chicken is getting hot, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick his head out and watch the movie. Next to him sit 2 old ladies. Agnes leans over and whispers to Mildred, "Mildred, this man has his PANTS unzipped!" Mildred tells her, "Don't worry about it....you've seen one, you've seen them all!" Agnes says, "Oh I know! But THIS one is eating my popcorn!!"
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." he frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
Top 10 reasons computers must be male
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody's home.
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
10. Size does matter
A surgeon, a civil engineer and a software engineer were chatting at a bar. The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon said that his was, since in the book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs, and surly that involved surgery. The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surly a feat of civil engineering. The software engineer just smiled and said "Where do you think the chaos came from?"
Oh! No! -- One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U-Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to U-V for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
The Twins -- A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and both you and your wife were unconscious so I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."
All men have the same amount of hormones. If you want to use yours growing hair, that's your business. -- the bald webmaster
Three men arrived at the Pearly Gate at the same time. St. Peter asked them to tell the circumstances of their deaths to help him make a decision on whether or not to admit them to Heaven. The first man said, "St. Peter, I was married to a very beautiful women, but I suspected that she might be playing around." "One day, I arrived home early and put my key into the lock but it wouldn't turn; so I rang the bell, finally kicked on the door, and eventually my wife answered." I said to her, "I know there's someone in this apartment and I'm going to find him." I rushed through the place, finding no one and was about to give up when I noticed a man's hands clinging to the outside of the bathroom window. I said, "ah ha, fellow, I'll fix you." So I ran and got a hammer and hit his hands. He let go and I leaned out the window expecting him to splatter on the sidewalk, but instead he hit the canopy in front of the apartment building and landed on his feet on the walk. It made me so mad that I went into the other room and got the refrigerator and pushed it to the window, and shoved it out to squash the guy, but as it fell out the electrical cord wrapped around my ankle and I fell to my death, so that's why I'm here."
"Interesting," said St. Peter, "and what about you, man number two?" "St. Peter," he responded, "I was washing windows on the 19th floor of an apartment building when the scaffolding broke and I fell; I thought I was a goner but managed to grab onto a windowsill. Then some man hit my hands with a hammer and I fell again, expecting to die. But the Lord spared me and I hit a canopy and fell on my feet on the sidewalk." With that, I felt so grateful that I opened my arms and raised my face to thank the Lord for saving me, when a refrigerator fell on me, and that's why I'm here."
"There is more to this than meets the eye," said St. Peter. "But what of you, man number three?" "St. Peter," he said, "I really don't know exactly what happened. There I was hiding in a refrigerator...."
A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife said "Darling embrace me the way you used to when we first got married," he did. "Now dear kiss me the way you used to..." "Now darling bite me the way you used to... " At this point the husband got out of the bed and the said, "Where are you going dear?" "To get my teeth," the husband replied.
Marriage Humor Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifiers: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears. " The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
Three newly arrived candidates for Heaven arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first gentlemen what he did on earth, and was informed by said gentleman that he was a doctor who had saved many lives, and had devoted his life to the good of mankind. St. Peter told him to enter thru the Pearly Gates. He directed the same question to the 2nd Heaven applicant and was told that he was a social worker who did only good for the poor and homeless...and he, too, was told to go in and was welcomed by the angels. St. Peter then asked the third man what his job was on earth and was advised that the man had served as the administrator for a large HMO plan. St. Peter told him that he, too, could enter the Pearly Gates.........But.......he could only stay for three days!!!!
A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it." "Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in. "Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy..." Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
A blonde walks in to a pawn shop close to where she lives.... she looks around for a while and then approaches the clerk...."I would like to buy that t.v. over there" the clerk says "I am sorry lady we don't serve blondes here" the blonde leaves in a huff.. the next day she returns wearing a brunette wig. "I would like to purchase that t.v. over there" Again the clerk says "lady I told you yesterday we do not serve blondes here" Now the blonde is furious... The next day she dresses like a man (a suit, tie, mustache, etc.) she approaches the clerk and says in a deep voice " I would like to purchase the T.V. over there! The clerk then says " lady I told you twice already we do not sell to blondes here!!!!!" She says to the clerk "how can you tell... yesterday I wore a wig, today I am dressed like a man, how can you tell it is me??" He laughs and says "because that's a microwave!!"
What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string walks up to the bartender and says, "Gimme a drink." The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The second string thinks if he asks nice, he will get a drink, so he goes up to the bartender and says, "Please, Sir, if it is not too much trouble may I have a drink?" The bartender replies, "Can't you hear? We don't serve strings!" The third string goes into the bathroom and pulls himself into a loop and messes up his hair. He goes up to the bartender, The bartender says, "Are you a string?" "Sorry, Sir, I am a frayed knot."
Two old ladies sat on a bench talking. One said to the other, "Good heavns! Who did your hair? It looks like a wig!" The second lady replied, "It is a wig." "Really?" exclaimed the first lady, "You could never tell!"
After a day at the beach Moe asked "Joe, how come all the girls are interested in you, and they don't pay any attention to me"? Joe said,"well, if you won't tell anyone I'll tell you my secret. All you have to do is put a potato in your swimming suit. Then they will notice you!" After the next day at the beach, Moe said "Joe look, I did what you said, and all they did was laugh at me." Joe said" NO,NO,Moe, Put it in front! Not in back!!
This woman has always wanted a parrot and so she saves up her money and buys a parrot. As soon as she gets the parrot home it begins saying these incredibley foul obscenities. The woman rightly offended by the bird's use of the english language takes the bird back to the pet store where she got it and explains to the owner the problem. The owner agrees that the bird's language is most certainly unacceptable and tells her that the next time the parrot swears to put the parrot in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes.
The woman takes the parrot home and no sooner do they get through the door when the parrot states an onscenity so foul, it would make a Marine drill seargent blush.
The woman take the Parrot and places him in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes. At the end of two munutes she opens the door and she sees the parrot standing there shivering. The woman says to the parrot "that's it I've had it. I'll have no more swearing out of you. If you do it again I'll put you back in the freezer" The parrot replies "I won't do it again, I swear, I'll be good". The woman takes the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot looks at the woman and says, with trepidation in his voice, " I've just got one question, Wha-what did the chicken say?"
One dark night a burgler broke into a home. He cautiously crept through the house shining his flashlight, looking for valuables. Just as he was putting the family silver into his knapsack, he heard a voice, "Jesus will get you!" The burglar jumped, shone his light around quickly, and heard it again, "Jesus will get you!" Finally after shining the flashlight into a dark corner, he saw a parrot in a cage. About the same time he saw a Rottweiler heading in his direction with the parrot yelling "Getum Jesus!"
A lady goes to her priest and says, "Father, I have a terrible problem. I own two female talking parrots, but the only thing they can say is, 'Hi, We are prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
The priest says, "That is terrible. Just by luck, I own two talking male parrots whom I have trained to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over tomorrow and we will soon have them straightened out." The lady brings her two parrots over to the priests' residence. The two male parrots were in their cage, holding rosary beads in their claws. As soon as the female parrots spotted the mail parrots they announced: "Hi, We are prostitutes. Want to have some fun?" The male parrots looked at each other and one of them said, "Get rid of the rosary beads. Our prayers have been answered."
A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00." The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!" The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".
Two older women were having lunch when one started to cry. "What's wrong?" asked the other. "I just found out my husband is having an affair with my best friend," she sobbed. "Oh! God, I'm going to miss her."
A man and his wife were traveling and his wife was berating him mile after mile about his driving. Finally the man stopped for gas and while he was pumping the gas a local said "where youall from?", The wife rolled down her window and said"WHAT'D HE SAY?" The husband patiently repeated the question and she rolled up her window. The local said "They sure have good barbeque where you are from, don't they?", again the wife rolled down the window and demanded "WHAT'D HE SAY?", again the husband patiently repeated the question to the little woman. The local then said "I had the worst sex I ever had in my life in your hometown", Once again, the wife rolled down her window and screamed "WHAT'D HE SAY" Her husband never blinked an eye and replied "He said he thinks he knows you!!"
A man stumbles up to the only other person in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man.
Curiousity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
A farmer saw the vet one Saturday, while in town shopping. He asked "What can I give my constipated cat?" The vet said "oh about a pint of castor oil." The following Saturday, the vet saw the farmer and asked "How is the calf?". The farmer said" It wasn't a calf, it was a cat!" The vet asked "did you give him the whole bottle? The farmer said "Yep," "Well what happened?" "I don't know for sure. The last time saw him he was going over the hill with six friends; two were digging; two were covering up; and two were scouting for new territory!"
Test your teens!!! -- These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Grandfather and his grandson were walking in the woods and came to a small pond. The grandfather asked, "Did you hear that frog croak?" The grandson said he did and asked, "Can you croak?" The grandfather didn't pay any attention until he hear another frog and again asked the grandson if he hear the frog croak. And again, the grandson asked if he could croak. The grandfather then asked, "Why do you keep asking me if I can croak?" The grandson replied, "Dad told me when you croak, we'll get a lot of money."
Then there was the fisherman who saw a sign on his way to fish that read, "All the worms you want for $1.00." He stopped his car and ordered $2.00 worth.
Two young boys started a conversation in the waiting room of a doctors' office. The first one asked the other, "What are you here for?" The second replied, "I'm here to get circumcised." "Oh! Boy!" said the first, "I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year and one-half."
A big burly bartender had a contest going. Anyone that could get another drop of juice out of a lemon after he squeezed it would receive $1000. All the stevadors, lumberjacks, oil workers, construction workers every type of strong men tried, but they all failed. Then, one day a scrawny little man with glasses and a derby hat came in, and asked to try out. Of course all the barflies, etc., laughed their heads off. If those other strong men couldn't do it, how could this small person possibly do it. So the bartender got a lemon and squeezed with all his might until no more juice was left and handed it to him. He squeezed and squeezed and, by george, not one, but three drops came out! The bartender couldn't believe it! He exclaimed, "How did you do that? What line of work are you in, mister?" The answer was "Why, I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
Eleven things that sound politically incorrect at Thanskgiving, but aren't....
Reach in and grab the giblets.
Whew, that's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
"and he forced his way into the end zone..."
She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
It's Cool Whip time!!!!
If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!
It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!
"All I want is stuffin'!"
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his backpockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Two seniors are standing in front of the Hotel Duluth when they see a penguin walking by. Pat grabs it and asks Mike "what should I do with him?" Mike says "Why don't you take him out to the zoo?". The next day in front of the Hotel, Mike sees Pat walking with the penguin on a leash. "I thought I told you to take him to the zoo" says Mike. " I did" says Pat "and we had such a good time that tonight I think I'll take him to the hockey game!"
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing over what type of engineer god was. The ME pointed to the body's intricate skeletal/muscular system and proudly stated that god must have been an ME. The EE said that was ok but he felt that the brain and nervous system were of such incredible design and complexity that god had to be an EE. The ME and the EE both looked at the Civil engineer who was smiling at their discussion. "I suppose you think god was a civil engineer" they said. "Of course" replied the CE. "Who else would run a sewer system through a major ecreational area"?
The preacher's sermon was on the Ten Commandments. When he reached the fourth, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," he noticed one of his parishioners, a little man sitting in the front row, became very agitated. When the preacher reached the seventh, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," the man suddenly smiled and relaxed. After the service, the preacher approached the man and asked him the reason for his peculiar behavior. The man replied with an embarrassed smile, "When you talked about the Fourth Commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," I suddenly discovered my umbrella was missing. But when you said, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I'd left it."
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Lady goes to see a Marriage Therapist about not having any active sex life in her marriage. Therapist says.."We have come up with this new drug in a cap. Here is 30 or them. Put one a night in your husbands drink. Should do wonders for your sex life." Tells her to come back in 30 days with the results.
Thirty days she is back. "So tell me" says the Therapist. "What happened?" "Well" says the lady. "I did as you said and put one in his drink as you had said." "Nothing happened. So for the next seven nights I put one in his drink every night and still nothing happened. "So I opened the remaining 22 caps and put them in his drink." "You didn't" said the Therapist. "Yes I did" said the Lady. "What in heavens name happened?" exclaimed the Therapist.
"Well, about 10 minutes after the drink, he jumped up and yelled "WOW, I feel good." He takes the table cloth and whips it off the table ...food, plates, wine all on the floor." He grabbed me and put me on the table and made passionate love to me." It was the best sex we have ever had."
"Why that is wonderful" exclaimed the Therapist. "I am so happy for you." "But I am sorry about the mess and broken dishes of food on the floor." "Oh that's OK" said the lady. "I don't think we will ever go to that restaurant again."
This farmer goes to the market (stock market) and there's a zebra there for sale cheap, so the farmer buys it and takes it to his farm. The zebra can't figure out what the farmer wants it for, so he askes various other animals what they are for. The turkey tells him that he'll be fattened up and used for Thanksgiving dinner. That doesn't sound too good to the zebra, so he asks the milk cow what she does. Well, the cow tells him she gets milked every day until she can't give milk anymore, then will go to the chopper for hamburger meat or dog food. That doesn't sound too good to the zebra either, so it asks the bull what he does, and the bull says, "Take off those pajamas and I'll show you." -- that's an Austrailian joke.
Jesus was in His office one day, and His angel secretary came in and said "You know, you should get out into the world more so that people see more of you". Jesus thought about that, and decided it would be a good idea. So, He closed His office and went down to earth. As he was walking around and visiting the people, He came into a village and saw a carpenters shop, so he went in. There was an old man behind the counter and Jesus stuck up a conversation with him. Jesus remarked that it was strange to see a carpenters shop in that small village. The old man explained. He said "I had a son, but he left one day and never returned. I figured that if I opened this carpenters shop - one day he would return. Jesus looked at the old man and said "Father?" The old man squinted at Jesus and asked "Pinochio?"
Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three. That'll be a quarter apiece and we can eat the other one.
Two boys were sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office and got aquainted. The first boy said, "What are you here for?" The second boy replied, "I'm here to get circumcised." The first boy said, "Oh! man, I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year and half."
After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor.
Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones.. The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...................... U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh
The sister who wore a mini skirt and like to dance in bars ... Go Gogh
The real obnoxious brother .................................... Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ................................... Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store .................. Stop N Gogh
His dizzy aunt ............................................... Verti Gogh
The cousin that moved to Illinois ............................ Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ................................... Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico ............................... Amee Gogh
Another cousin who lived in Mexico ........................... Grin Gogh
Nephew that drove a stage coach ...........................Wells Far Gogh
Uncle who was constipated .................................... Cant Gogh
Aunt who was a good dancer .................................. Tan Gogh
There's a guy with a Doberman pincher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." They guy at the door says, "A Doberman pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. They guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." They guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says," You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
MAKE WAY FOR THE NAVY
This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1: THIS IS THE US AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2: This is a lighthouse............Your call.
What is more stupid than 2 men building a house in the middle of the ocean? -- Two men putting in the foundation.
A man turned up for work on Monday with a big black eye. One of his co-workers ask him what happened? Well, he said.. I was on my way to a business meeting at the ( Old log Inn) when my car broke down. It was pitch dark out side, and Being in the middle of now where, I got out and started to walk. Sometime later I came upon a parked car, I could tell there was someone in it because it was swaying back and forth. So as I approached it, I knocked on the driver side of the window. A man stuck his head out and I ask him "How far is the old log inn" With that he punched me in the eye.
A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but at about midnight the phone rings. The man rolls over and answers it.... "Hello?" "What?" "How the hell should I know.... I live in Phoenix" He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?" "Some idiot..... wanted to know if the coast was clear."
St. Peter had been busy all day, checking people into heaven and really needed to use the restroom. Jesus came through as he and God often did and asked him how he was doing. St. Peter told him of his plight. "No problem Peter, just tell me what I need to do." "Well, Lord, all you need to do is ask them what they did in life and if they left any family behind." "Okay, Peter, take your time, I'll take it from here."
A few minutes later and old man came up to the desk. "What did you do in life," Jesus inquired. "I come from a long line of carpenters," the man replied. This took Jesus somewhat by surprise, "My father was a carpenter." "Did you have any family," Jesus continued. "Yes, just one son," the man replied. One son, "Did he have any Identifying marks?" "Yes, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus could contain himself no longer. "I know its you Dad," Jesus exclaimed, thinking God was playing another practical joke. The old man brightened "Pinocchio?"
An old man lying on a bed in the kitchen was dying, his wife was baking. He said,"Dear is that a raisen pie your baking?" she said "yes"-- He said "Can I have a Piece?" She said "NO" -- it's for the wake.
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack. A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street-she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said. "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing--the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Faulkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."
Fred & Don had been really good friends - Don had died and was in heaven just wandering around and came onto Fred. Don asked him what he had died of - and Fred said hypothermia. Don said he had died of a heart attack. He had suspected his wife of having an affair and was trying to get some proof. He went home early one day and looked all over the house, trying to do it without making his wife suspicious. He looked high and low and got so worked up, he had a heart attack & died. Fred said, "If you had looked in the freezer, we both might have lived."
Adam & Eve had been in the Garden of Eden for a month & Adam didn't seem to understand that one of his purposes there was for procreation. He just wasn't catching on. So God appeared one day & suggested to Adam that he go & give Eve a hug. Adam said "What's a hug?" God told him to go & ask Eve & she would demonstrate it for him. Shortly Adam returned with a smile on his face. In reply to God's query as to how it was, he said that it was great. God then told Adam to go & give Eve a kiss. Adam went through the same routing & this time returned with a huge grin on his face volunteered that it was great. God thought Adam was properly prepared now & told him to go & have sex with Eve. In a very short time, Adam returned with a puzzled frown on his face. God said "How was it?" Adam replied "What's a headache?"
A man had a dog that met him at the door every day when he came home. He came home one day, and the dog didn't meet him. He looked for the dog and he was curled up in the house. He nudged the dog, and said "let's go", and the dog didn't move. He picked up the dog and carried him to the vet. He told the vet "My dog is sick, can you help him"? The vet checked the dog, and said "sorry your dog is dead." The man said "He can't be, check him again." The vet checked him again and said "Sir your dog is dead."The man said "Are you sure?" The vet walked into the other room. When he came back he had a cat. He put the cat on the table. The cat jumped onto the dogs back and dug in his nails. From there, the cat jumped on the dogs head. He scratched the dogs nose. He bit the dogs ear. He jumped down and walked away. The man said,"you're right my dog is gone." The man asked the vet,"how much do I owe you?" The vet said $545.00. The man said,"545.00? The vet replied,"Its $45.00 for the office visit, and $500.00 for the cat scan."
A woman goes to a doctor. The doctor tells her that she only has one month to live and that the bill will be $1000. The woman replies that there is no way that she will be able to pay the doctor's bill of $1000 before the end of the month. The doctor then replies, "Okay then, I'll give you six months to live."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but your're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
A gamekeeper and his wife, who also looked after the club's hunting lodge, had prepared a fancy lunch for its members. There was everything, including caviar, but as the local store was rather short, the gamekeeper had supplemented some shotgun pellets from a jar, which he kept on his desk. After the morning hunt, the members returned for the luncheon, which was a great success. - The next morning, however, the gamekeeper received a call from the chairman of the club, who asked: "What in the world was in that caviar we got yesterday, because when I dropped my collar button this morning and bent down to pick it up, I shot the cat.
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
It seems there was an old pirate living in the Black Flag Pirate Retirement Community who was being interviewed by the new, young house doctor. The old pirate was your typical pirate, peg leg, hook for a hand and a patch over one eye. The young doctor was trying to get his medical history. "Well," says the pirate; "We was bombarding this Spanish fort when this cannonball hits me ship and blasts off me leg." "And the hand?" asks the doctor. The pirate says, "I tell you sonny, we had boarded this fine ship and there was fighting going on all around." "This mate I was battling was pretty good and he made a lucky swipe with his sword and took me hand clean off." "OK," said the doctor; "How about your eye?" "Well," said the pirate; "I was standing on the deck one day when a seagull flew down and pooped in me eye." "Wait a minute," said the young doctor. "Do you expect me to believe that you lost your eye because some bird pooped in it?" Well," said the old pirate; "It was the first day I got me new hook!"
In the summers of 1940 the young ice man drove his pick-up truck up and down the streets looking at the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors of the residents who had ice boxes. The cards usually had 3 settings; 12 1/2 lbs, 25 lbs and 50 lbs......It was a poor time and two old sisters lived alone and sometimes would show their card for 12 1/2 lbs.....The young man knew theynever paid their bill but he always stopped and took all the broken pieces off his truck and tried to pack their small wooden ice box....One day, after he had packed their box one of the sisters stepped out on the backporch and asked to speak to the young man. She seemed very shy and embarrassed, saying,"young man my sister and I know you have helped us and knowing we could not pay. We have read in books that sometimes women offer their bodies for sex in exchange for favors. Since we have no money we decided to do that for you and since I am the youngest I am offering myself". The young feller tried to convince her that it was not necessary but after she insisted he finally said,"okay" and they proceeded. After he dressed he took out his receipt book and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister. She looked at the bill for only a second and blurted,"Now, look here, young man, we got that ice a little piece at a time and we intend paying for it the same way"!
A very elderly and frail gentleman turned to his equally aged friend, Bob, and asked if he could remember the name of the stuff the army used to put in their cups of tea, during WW 1, to stop the soldiers getting randy in the trenches. His companion remembered the ingredient but couldn't remember what it was called. He asked, however, why his friend wanted to know. The answer was,'Well, you know Bob, I think it's started to work'.
An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines."
The nurse explained to the old man in the hospital that the law requires that patients have an oportunity to make decisions about their own care. "Do you have any suggestions for ways we can make you more comfortable, Sir," she said. "Yes!" he said. "Pour a cup of gin down my feeding tube, destroy the little black book in my drawer, and call my malpractice attorney!"
While sitting in the lounge at the retirement center Edna and Ethel were talking about the old times. Edna asked, "Ethel, when you and George were young did you have mutual orgasms?" Ethel thought awhile and responded seriously, "No, I think we had State Farm."
And God created woman..... One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy". "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth." "She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great!", says Adam. "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Well ..., what can I get for a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history.
Did you hear about the man who complained that there was too much sex and violence on his VCR?
A catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
A drunk was walking repeatedly around one light pole. A man came up and asked what he was doing. "I'm looking for my wallet that I lost." "Are you sure you lost it here?" asked the man. "No" replied the drunk, "but this is the only place where there is enough light to lookfor it."
Mrs. Jones had twins and it was in the newspaper. A few weeks later she met an old friend in the store who asked "Tell me Mrs. Jones are they identical twins?" "Well" said Mrs. Jones, " The boy is but the girl isn't."
A reporter was interviewing people at a nursing home. He asked one lady "Do you think God has a name?" Without hesitation she answered "Of course, His name is Andy, you've heard the hymn Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me....."
Two old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch. One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?" Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with."
An older couple were talking about the past when the wife asked, "John, now tell me how many women have you made love to in your life?" John replied, "If I tell you, you'll get mad." "No I won't replied his wife." John, "I'm sure you will so I better not tell you." Wife, "John, I promise not to get mad but I would like to know." She kept it up until John said, "All right, I'll tell you but you better not get angry with me." Let me see now, first it was in high school with Elaine, then it was Francis, Marybelle, Shirley, my first wife, then you and then... (You know the rest of the story.)
My neighbour, who is 95 years old, asked me the other day: "When do you think I should stop saving for my old age".
Pat and Mike died. Pat, being the good guy all his life went to Heaven and started playing the harp on cloud 9. Day after day he played the harp. Finally he said to St. Peter, "I know Mike went to hell because he was such a bad guy all his life. Can I go visit him for just a short visit?" St. Peter said "This is very unusual but I'll let you go just for a very short visit" Upon arrival in hell Pat found Mike sitting in a bar with a bottle of beer in his hand and a blond on his knee. "Wow, said Pat, you were so bad all your life and you end up like this and all I get to do is play a harp. This doesn't seem fair." "Well" said mike, "it's not as good as it seems. You see this beer bottle has a hole in it's bottom. And the blond doesn't!"
An older couple living in the country drove into town. She headed for the town store and asked to buy 10 yards of outing flannel to make a nitegown. The clerk asked her why she needed all of ten yards. She replied, "Paw has more fun hunting for it than when he finds it."
Here is a cute one I heard on the radio: Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "I am yours for super sex", she answers. He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup."
A woman was taking golf lessons from the pro at her country club. They were on the practice range working on tee shots when the pro stood behind the lady to show her what a proper swing felt like. Somehow the zipper on the front of his shorts got entangled with the zipper on the back of her shorts and they couldn′t get loose. She was embarrassed and upset, so he said he had some tools back at the pro shop that would solve the problem. He suggested that at the count of three they would both lead off with their left foot and try to walk in unison, unnoticed, back to the club house. Every thing was going as planned and they almost made it back when suddenly a huge COLLIE jumped out from behind a bush and threw a bucket of water on them.
Clergy, a Jewish Rabii, a Catholic Priest and a Protestant minister, were all out fishing one day. After about an hour, the Rabii got up in the boat and said "Guys I have to get something to drink .. I'll be right back." At which point he stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to shore, up the bank, and into the cabin. A few minutes later he came out of the cabin, walked down the bank, back across the water and got back into the boat. The Protestant minister was flabberghasted, but decided to say nothing.
Pretty soon the Catholic priest stood up and said "Guys I'm a little hungry ... I'm going to get a snack." At which point he stepped out of the boat, walked across the water, up the bank, and into the cabin. A few minutes later he came out of the cabin, walked down the bank, and sure enough, walked back across the water and got back into the boat.
By this time the Baptist Minister was so shocked that he decided that he should do the same thing. He stood up and said "Guys I need to use the bathroom ... I'll be right back". At which point he stood up, stepped over the railing of the boat and into the water and sank like a rock.
The Rabii then looked at the priest and said "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"
Roy Rogers had just purchased a new set of boots. Going out one day to check on Trigger, Roy stepped in a pile of ... well suffice it to say that Dale told him to leave his boots outside on the porch until he could clean them up. Roy did so and went inside for dinner. In the meantime a cougar wandering around on the property spied the boots, grabbed them up in his mouth and headed for the wilderness. Roy, seeing his new boots heading for the hills, pulled on a pair of old boots, ran out and saddled up Trigger and headed for the hills to cut off the escape path of the cougar. Several hours later Roy returned, new boots in hand and the cougar stretched over the back of Trigger. Dale looking at the scene in front of her said "Pardon me Roy is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" -- P.S.-- Question from webmaster: I don't get it -- could someone please explain? Subject: "Pardon me Roy is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" Answer: "Pardon me boys. Is that the Chatanooga Choo-Choo?"
Re: the recent Roy Rogers joke: It scans better to say Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat WHO chewed your new shoes? rather than the cat THAT chewed.. If you sing it, it flows more smoothly to say cat WHO.
Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies. Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can′t bend my knee and I can′t hear anything but thank God I can still drive."
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
A man once spent many months searching out a particular Guru to tell him the meaning of life. He finally found him and was told the meaning of life was "Doing stuff". The man was pretty sore having spent so much time and money on his quest and demanded "What do you mean, Doing Stuff?" The Guru replied "As opposed to "Not Doing Stuff," which is the meaning of Death!"
Old couple sitting on porch one evening when wife suddenly slaps the man. "What was that for?" he said. "That was for 50 years of poor sex" she said. Things were quiet for awhile, then the man slaps her. "What was that for" she asked. "That was for you knowing it was poor," he said.
Two old men sitting in rockers on front porch of rest home when a young lady walks by wearing mini skirt. Bill said, "Joe you see that?" Joe: "Yeah I do Bill, nice ain't it". Bill: rocking fast, "I would like to take her out, wine her and dine her and ----, (rocking slowing now) and ----Joe what's that other thing we used to do?
Old couple watching chickens in yard. Rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn. Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?" He answers: might could Ma, if I had a different chick each time.
Hobo traveling thru countryside stops at widows house and does some chores in exchange for food. She invites him to spend the night as she would have more work for him to do next day. As they were preparing to get into the only bed she places a pillow in middle to keep the sides of bed seperated. Next day they were both working in the yard when a gust of wind blows her bonnet off and over a fence. Hobo says, "I'll get it for you mam". She says "Never mind, I will get it myself, if you can't climb over a pillow, there is no way you can climb over that fence."
DOG STORY -- A man enters a bar with his dog and says this is a very smart dog, he can talk. If you spot me a drink I will have him talk for you. Bartender gives him a drink and says, let's hear him. Man turns to dog and says what is on top of this building which keeps the rain out? the dog says ruf ruf. The guy says see he said it was a roof. But if you are not satisfied with that, give me another drink and I will have him answer another question. When he got next drink he says to the dog, who was the most famous baseball player of all time? Dog says ruf ruf. Man says see he said Babe Ruth. Bartender has bouncer throw man and dog out. Dog looks up at the man and says, "Should I have said Willie Mays?"
A dog walks into bar and requests a drink. Bartender refuses saying we don't serve dogs here. Dog demands his equal rights. Bartender pulls gun and shoots dog in foot. Months later after the dogs foot heals he returns to the bar wearing a gun and announces: I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw.
An efficiency expert was driving through the country side when he noticed an old farmer in an apple orchard feeding his pig. What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer was holding the pig over his head and moving him from apple to apple while the pig ate happily. He turned around, parked and walked up to the farmer saying "Hey there old timer have I got a good idea for you". The farmer asked him what it was and the Expert continued, "Just put the pig on the ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the ground and let the pig eat them there. It sure will save a lot of time." The old farmer thought about this while he moved his pig to another apple and finally said "Hell, mister, what′s time to a pig?"
Farmer Brown and his wife went to the Dr. They told the Dr that Mr Brown worked in the field and when he felt sexy, he would leave his mules and plow and run to the house. But, by the time he got to the house he was out of the mood. They asked the Dr's advice. The Dr said? "Why don't you take your shotgun with you to the field. Then when you feel the urge, fire the shotgun and start running to the house. When the wife hears the gun, she should start running toward you. That way, you'll meet half way and everything should be alright. They left. A few weeks later the Dr saw Mr Brown in town and asked him how the idea worked out. Mr Brown said; "Fine until hunting season started and the wife ran herself to death."
More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in an examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
There were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, "What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?" The other, with a puzzled look, said,"I dunno", and reached up pulling out the object,then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!" Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid."
Martha speaking with Sue advised that she was told Martha was getting married. Sue asked "Didn't she think she was a bit old to get married?" Martha said no. Sue asked but why? Did her new husband have great looks, Martha said no. Sue asked if he was well off financially? Martha said no. Sue asked if he was great in bed? Martha said no. Sue then asked why in the world would Martha marry the guy? Martha said "he can drive at night."
Husband and wife just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. The next morning while eating breakfast, the wife said to husband, honey my nipples still get hot after 50 years of marriage. Husband replies well honey no wonder you've got one in your coffee and the other in the oatmeal.
Two nuns and a Mother Superior were killed in an auto accident. They approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "You'll each have to answer a question to enter." The first nun's question was how many commandments did God give Moses. When she answered ten a little chime tinkled, the gate swung open and the nun entered. The second nun as asked to name the Trinity. When she said the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit the little chime tinkled, the gate swung open and the nun entered. The Mother Superion was asked, "What was the first words Eve said to Adam?" The Mother Superior thought and thought. Sweat rolled down her brow. Finally she muttered, "Gee, that's a hard one." The little chime tinkled.
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
An elderly couple were having trouble with their sex life. The went to see the doctor, he gave them some pills, but warned them when the pills start to work they must have sex. In about two weeks the couple came back to the doctors' office, weighting 100 pounds each. The doctor asked them what happened. They told him they were in a super grocery store, the pills started to work in one of the iles of the store. Now the store manager will not let them back in the store to buy their groceries.
Did you hear about the 93 yr old gentleman that went into the Mustang Ranch in Nevada. The receptionet said " Oh! old man what do you want here?" He replied, " I just want to partake of the the services offered here." "Oh my old man," she replied, "You've had it!" "Oh" he replied, "In that case," reaching for his wallet, "How much do I owe you?"
Two salesmen were traveling through northern Wisconsin one Feb. and it started to snow. Harder and harder till they came to a complete stop. One said "Hey there is a light on the hill. Must be a farm house, lets get up there and see if we can sleep in the barn rather than this cold car." After the widow lady answered the door bell and they explained their problem she said "Well gentlemen, you don't have to sleep in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here. Please come in and I will make some warm dinner for you." They did and then watched some TV and all went to bed. The next morning the roads had been cleared and they thanked the widow and left.
About 9 months later one salesman got a registered letter from the law offices of O'brian, Murphy, O'Donnal and Gilderstein in Madison Wisconsin. After he read the letter he immediately called his associate and said, "Hey Jim, do you remember when we got stuck in the snow last winter in Wisconsin?" Sure replied Jim. "Well, tell me something, did you by any chance sneak into the widows bedroom that night?" "Well!" replied the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. But why do you ask?""Tell me something else, first," he replied "did you by any chance use my name?" "Well," said the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. After all you are single and always sleeping around and I'm married and can't so I figured it was safer that way. Why? what happened? Why are you asking these questions?"
"Well" the first salesman said, "It seems she died and left me the farm!"
A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly alone. After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit beside her and asked "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied in a loud voice "A motel!" "No!" he replied I just offered a drink. All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. "I just offered a drink", he said. She replied "Why should I go with you to a motel?"
"Oh forget it" he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar. What a kook he thought. About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; "Sir, I'm sorry to have embarassed you but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarassing situations. I hope you will forgive me, since this was just part of my research." He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, "SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS?"
An old couple who had been married for fifty years decide to have a second honeymoon. They went to the same town, rented the same room, ate in the same restaurant and then got ready for bed. The husband noticed that his wife took a pill one hour before retiring. When he inquired why she did, she said it was to make her feel younger. The husband gulped down the rest of the pills. In the morning the wife noticed that her husband was not in the room. She went to the lobby and then out in the street where he was sitting on a curb. To her query as to what he was doing he replied, "Waiting for the school bus."
The Pope died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked, "What would you like to do your Highness." The pope replied, "I would like to spend time in the Old Alexandria library and research the background of many of the messages I've been giving these many years." No problem said St. Peter. Two years went by and finally St. Peter looked it to see how the Pope was doing. He found the Pope rolling on the floor and screaming his head off. St. Peter asked what has caused all of this. The Pope replied, "The WORD is `Celebrate' NOT `Celibate.'"
Seems that senior citizens are afraid of 3 kind of AIDs -- rolaids, bandaids, and hearing aids.
One day 3 men showed up at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted the first man and asked what he had done while on earth. The man answered"I was a doctor. I helped a lot of people get well, I performed surgeries and saved many lives." St. Pete said "that's very good. Enter into the pearly gates>" And he did. The second man stepped forward and St. Pete asked him the same question, to which the man answered that he, too, was a doctor, a psychiatrist. He said "I helped many people with their problems, I even intervened with several people who wanted to commit suicide!" St Pete, again, said "that's very good. Enter into the pearly gates." When the third man approached, St. Pete said, "And I suppose you were a doctor too!" The man answered "As a matter of fact I was, only I was a very special doctor. I worked for an HMO and helped many people who had no one else to go to." St Pete again said, "that's very good. Enter into the pearly gates."..."But you only get to stay 3 days!"
A rabbit, a turtle and a lizard were the only survivors when the plane, in which they were flying, crashed in a dessert. To sustain life, they agreed that they would have to grow some vegetables. They also realized that they would need some manure, and since the only one that could move relatively fast, the rabbit was sent out to get the fertilizer. - When after a long while the rabbit returned with a wheelbarrow full of the stuff, it found, that they had struck oil in its absence and built a large house . The rabbit knocked on the door and a butler answered. "I would like to see the turtle", said the rabbit. "Oh!", said the butler, "Mr Tur'tel is down at the well". - "Then I should like to see the lizard", said the rabbit. "I am sorry", said the butler, "but Mr Li'zard is out in the yard". -- "Well, well" said the rabbit, "then I shall just sit down and wait till you tell Mr. Tur'tel and Mr Li'zard that Mr Rab'bit is here with the shit".
You're traveling in the South. There are three potatoes sitting on the curb. How do you tell which is the prostitute? The one that has the sign that says IDAHO.
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" " suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
Irish Potatoe and Idaho Potatoe had a daughter named Tater Tot. Tater Tot came home one day and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Her parents exclaimed,"Oh no! You can't marry Dan Rather. He is a "commen-tater".
There was a psychiatrist and a proctologist with separate offices who decided they could save money if they set up an office together. They were trying to think up a name for their practice. One came up with the name "Rears and Queers". The other one said "no, some people object to the word queers". He said how about "Butts and Nuts". The other one said "no, some people don't like the word "butts". So they decided to call it "Odds and Ends".
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT
Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
Women would rule the world.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest?
BREWSTER THE ROOSTER --My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. Hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine cock he was - and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprize.
A Senior went to see his Doctor for consultation over some lab tests. "I've got good news and bad news!" said the Doctor. "Give me the good news first!" said the Patient. "The good news is you only have 24 hours to live!" "Geeze!" said the Patient, "If that's the good news what's the bad news?" "I forgot to call you yesterday!!" said the Doctor.
A Senior Couple went to see a Doctor about loosing their interst in sex! The Doctor checked them over, gave them some erotic literature to look at, and put them in a spare examining room. When he looked in fifteen minutes later, they had rediscovered their lost interest. A week later, they were back with the same problem, the same treatment and the same results. When they came back a third time, the Doctor got suspicious, saying, "What's going on with you two!" Sheepishly, the fellow said, "We're not married! We live in a Senior Center where we don't have much privacy. It would probably cost us $30 for a motel room. You charge $20 for an office visit, and we get 80% back from MediCare!"
A mother asked her young son what he learned in Sunday school. He replied, "We learned all about Gladly the bear." She said, "I never heared of Gladly the bear." "Of course, you have," he said. "You sing about him in church all the time--'Gladly, the cross-eyed bear.'"
My grandfather taught me to read people and other animals by being aware of what I was feeling inside while observing the other person or animal closely. "It's mind-reading," he said. "You can read emotions, not thoughts. But considering how little most people think, you won't miss much."
A Senior Citizen went to see a Doctor with the complaint that he was unable to perform as a Husband. After a cursory examination, the Doctor asked how old he was? "Eighty five!" replied the Patient. "When did you first notice this problem?" asked the Doctor. "Last night, and it was the same way again this morning," said the Patient.
A Newspaper Reporter was conducting a home interview on the occassion of a man's 100th Birthday. "What is your secret for a long life?" asked the Reporter. "Complete and total abstinence from alcohol," replied the Oldtimer. Suddenly, there was a commotion from the next room! "What was that?" asked the Reporter. "That's Dad, come home drunk again!" said the Oldtimer.
Three elderly English Gentlemen found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After several minutes of silence, one said: "Woods here; Brigadier; retired, married; two Sons; both Lawyers!" The second one said: Smyth here; Brigadier; retired; married; two Sons; both Doctors!" Then, the third one said: "Jones here; Sergeant; retired; never married; two Sons; both Brigadiers!"
Sadie wakes up and says to her husband, "Jake, I'm dead". Jake responds. What's the matter with you, Sadie, you aren't dead. You're talking to me." "No, Jake, I'm definitely dead". "Sadie, you are not dead. Why do you think you're dead" Sadie resonds, "Because nothing hurts."
Two old friends are talking, and one says to the other. "Did you know that the second thing to go is your memory." His friend asks, "What's the first?" "I forgot."
A woman is at the gynocologist's office. When he was finished examining her, the woman says, "Sonny, does your mother know what you do for a living?"
Did you hear about the cannibal who had chronic indigestion? He got it from eating people he disagreed with.
Do you know what a hyprocrite is? It's a person who complains about the sex and violence on his VCR.
One day his friend said, "I think I was built upside down!" Why do you think that? "My nose runs and my feet smell"
A man in his sixtys goes to the Doctor. The Dr. Check him out and tells him everything was fine. The Doctor asked if he had any questions. The man stated he did. "I have been wondering about my penis. When I was 17 and it was hard I could not bend it." When I was in my 40's and it was hard I could bend it a little bit." Now that I am in my 60's and it gets hard I can bend the hell out of it." Doc tell me am I getting stronger.
A very healthy, spry-looking 95-year-old man moves into a nursing home. He walks up to a frail looking man walking down the hall with a walker, and says: "How old do you think I am?" The man answers: "I'd say 60." "Nope, I'm 95!" the man boasts. Down the hall, he sees a woman in a room watching TV from a wheelchair & walks up to her and asks her to guess his age. Right away she unzips his fly & fondles him for a few minutes, then looks at him and says: "You're 95." The man looks at her incredulously and asks: "How did you know that?" She shrugs and says: "I heard you tell the fellow in the hall."
Martha complained that her husband, George, was just getting too old and listless. She suggested that he go to the doctor for a checkup and see if the doctor could give him something to pep him up. George went to the doctor and when he got home he was a different man. He chased his wife around the house and couldn't get her to bed often enough. Martha was worn out. She thought, "This is too good to be true. I'm going to the doctor and see if he can do something for me." George drove his wife to the doctor's office and waited while she went in to see the doctor. Martha said to the doctor, "What did you tell my husband. He is like a new man." The doctor said, "Well, I don't know. I gave him a checkup but I don't remember saying anything that would change him like that." She said, "Well, he's right out here in the waiting room. You ask him. George came into the office. The doctor said, "What did I say to you that gave you so much energy?" George said, "You said be cheerful. You have a hot mama!" The doctor said. "Oh, no! I said, be careful. You have a heart murmur!"
Three old boy`s were sitting on the porch of the Senior home enjoying spring sun, when Eddie, swatting at a pesky fly says, Boys, "What is the farthest back you can remember?" Johnny replies, "I remember quite well the great depression." How about you Eddie, since you brought it up, asks Johnny. Eddie replies, "Well, I remember looking the Doctor in the eye when he whopped me when I was born." Now, Clyde, sitting there, stabbing at an ant with the tip of his cane,and taking this in says, "You boys can`t remember much can you!" The two boys in unison reply, "OK Clyde, Just how far back can you remember?" Clyde thinks for a few seconds, then proclaims, "I remember riding on a horse to the country dance in Montana with Dad, and then, going home with mom!"
Two drunks were arguing on the sidewalk. Another drunk came staggering down the sidewalk toward the two having words. One of the drunks stopped the man and said, "Say pal, my friend and I are having an argument and we want you to settle it for us. I say that light up in the sky is the moon and my friend says it is the sun. Who is right?" The lone drunk looked the two up and down for a minute and said,"How the hell should I know? I don't live around here!"
Three fellows were shipwrecked on a tiny island. No food, no water, no shade - just sand and more sand. One fellow was Mexican, the second one was an Indian and the third one was from You-Know-where. The Indian was walking along the beach when he spotted a bottle floating. He waded out and got the bottle. When back on the beach he uncapped the bottle and a genie came out, The genie said, "I've been in that bottle for a hundred years. I appreciate you freeing me. So I will grant each of you one wish." So saying, he disappeared. The Mexican said, "I wish I was in Mexico City," And poof! He disappeared. The Indian said, "I wish I was in Calcutta." And poof! He disapperared, Now things were happening too fast for You-Know-Where. He really didn't know what was going on. He started walking up and down the beach. Finally he said, "Gee, it sure is lonesome around here! I wish my buddies were back."
An old maid was cooking supper when she noticed that her cat, Tom, was very busy in the corner. She investigated and Tom had a little mouse cornered and was playing with him by swatting him around. She made Tom go away so the mouse could escape. The mouse said, "I'm a magic mouse and because you have saved my life I will grant you three wishes." The old maid first wished to be young and beautiful. It happened instantly. Then she wished that Tom was a handsome young prince. The last wish was that Tom would love her forever. So Tom took her in his arms and told her how much he loved her. They went into the bedroom, undressed, and climbed into bed. The old maid snuggled up to Tom and said,"Oh,Tom, I'm so happy!" And Tom said, "Yeah, but I'll bet you would be even happier if you hadn't had me fixed!"
Joe liked to play golf, but in his old age, he got where he couldn't see where his ball went. One of his buddies gave him a suggestion: "Take Bob with you; he doesn't like to play golf, but he has great eyesight." Good deal. Joe teed off on # 1, and immediately says: "Did you see it; did you see it?" "Yeah, saw it," replied Bob. "Where did it go; where did it go?" "I forgot," said Bob.
Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.
An elder gentleman was walking down the street when he saw a young lad about 8 or 9 who was crying so hard that he shook. Taking compasion, the elder gentleman bent over and patted the boy on the head - saying, "There, there what seems to be the problem?" The little lad raised his tear streaked face and blurted out, "I can't do the things the big boys do." And the elder gentleman sat down on the curb next to him and cried also.
Woman of a certain age goes for her annual physical examination. She returns home and tells her husband that the doctor told her she has the body of a 30 year old woman. Her husband responds, "And what did he say about your big ass?" She replied quickly, "Your name never came up, dear."
Two elderly men sitting in a nursing home were confronted by a good looking young woman wearing a long coat. She stood in front of them, opened her coat to show her nude body, and said, "Super Sex anyone?" One old man said, "I'll have chicken noodle."
What is the best birth control method for senior citizens> Nudity!
A man walks into a bar and orders two shots of whiskey. He tosses down one shot and pours the other one in his vest pocket. Did the same thing with the second round. When he ordered two shots the third time the bartender told him he had enough to drink and wouldn't serve him. The man flew into a rage and told the bartender he meant to have that drink and if he didn't get it he was coming over that bar and hit him so hard that his shirt would roll up his back like a window shade. When things had quieted down some a little pet mouse climbed up out of his vest pocked, shoook his fist at the bartender and said, "And that goes for your gol danged cat, too!"
Seniors are worth a fortune. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and gallbladder, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomach.
The nice thing about being senile is -- you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Update on my life: I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps get me out of bed. Then I go to see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
Three preachers went to heaven. St.Peter interviewed them. Seemed that transportation was a status symbol in heaven and you were issued a vehicle according to how good you were down on earth. Preacher number one had slept with more than a dozen of his congregation so he was issued a bicycle. Number two had only slipped twice so he was issued a Ford. The third one had never slipped so he got a Rolls Royce. Sometime later the first two preachers were talking when they spotted the Rolls Royce across the street. So they strolled over for a chat. They found the preacher crying. "What's wrong?" they asked. The preacher said he had just seen his wife go by. "But that should make you happy." they said. "But she was on a skate board!" the preacher wailed.
The minister came to see me the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about the Hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do, all the time! No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself: now what am I here after?"
You show me a man that says he can do at 50 what he did at 25; and I'll show you a man that didn't do much at 25.
An old gentleman was out walking one day when he spied a frog. The frog said kiss me and I turn into a beautiful princess. This really interested him so he picked up the frog and went on his way. Shortly after he met a friend and told him about what had happened. Well, said the friend why didn't you kiss the frog you crazy old coot? He answered, at my age I rather have a talking frog.
There were a couple of old gals in the local nursing home who were getting a little bored with the lack of excitement in their surroundings. They decided to liven things up and took their clothes off and walked through the local male gathering area in the buff. One of the men poked the other one and asked if he had seen what just went by. The other replied yep he had seen it and whatever it was it sure did need ironing.
Old Joe was in the hospital, and he was on a strict diet. He could only have apple juice, which was in a glass beside his bed. - In comes a nurse with a tray with a bottle under a hanki . She leaves with the words "Whenever you are ready. I shall be back in a little while". When she had left, Joe took the bottle, removed the cork and pored in a little of the apple juice. He then replaced the cork and waited for the nurse to return. On her return she removed the hanki, looked at the bottle and commented: "My, my this looks a bit cloudy". - "Well", said old Joe, as he removed the cork, "then we better run it through again". by frode s stringer
George was living on the East Coast with his family when he got a message from God to go West. He packed up his wife and kids in a wagon pulled by his favorite mule. When he got to the Mississippi Valley they were hit by a tornado and lost most of their belongings. A little later his wife was killed in a flash flood. Then someone kidnapped his kids. But he kept on going West. When he and the mule arrived in Death Valley, the mule dropped dead. He threw himself down in the sand and hollered, "Why me God, why me?" The he heard God say, "George, something about you just pisses me off!"
A man was stranded on an island. Then a beautiful lady in a wet suit sprang up out of the water. She asked, "How long have you been here?" He said, "Several days." She said, "I suppose you would like a cigarette?" -- offering him one and he nodded. Then she said, "Would you like a drink?" and again he nodded. As she started to unzip her blouse she said, "I suppose you would like to play around?" He said, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs?"
An Expert: A fellow who knows 59 ways of making love but doesn't know any girls.
Two older couples were riding in a car. One of the men asked the other, "Been to any good restaurants lately?" The man said, "I'll tell you but first, what's the name of that sweet smelling flower with the thorns that you give on special occasions?" "You mean a rose," he replied. The man turned to his wife and said, "Rose, what was the great restaurant we went to the other day?"
Pat, "You're not old, you've just entered your Metallic Age." Mari, "What is my Metallic Age?" Pat, "That's when you have gold in your teeth, silver in your hair, and lead in your tail."
My family was so poor they couldn't afford children. The lady next door had me.
Husband comes home from work. Wife says the TV has lost its color. How about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no TV technician, and gets a beer. Next day the wife says my car is skipping, how about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no Mr. Goodwrench, and got himself a beer. Things got a little frosty and the husband decided to check out the faulty TV and car. He could find nothing wrong. When asked, the wife said she had found a man who fixed both of them. "How much did it cost?" the husband said, "Oh I told him that I had no money but he said we could work it out. I could bake him a cake or we could have sex or something." "What kind of cake did you bake him?" the husband said. "Hey,", the wife said, I'm no Betty Crocker!"
Man goes into a bar,sets his bag on the counter and takes out a tiny piano, a little stool and a tiny little man about a foot high. The fellow orders a beer and a shot glass. Pours the glass full of beer and gives it to the little man. The little man drinks his beer, sits down on the stool and began to play. He really tore that thang up. Everybody in the bar gathered around. The bartender asked the man where he got such an outfit. Man said: "The other day I was starting to cross the street when I noticed an old woman having a hard time fighting the traffic. So I helped her across the street". She said: "Thank you, young man. I'm a witch and I'm going to grant you one wish." Trouble was", the man said, "she was hard of hearing and she thought I said that I wanted a twelve inch pianist."
This is one that's not so old. I'd never seen it before I picked it off the net. An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 80 years old and for the sixty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then the twing moved in next door and since then --WOW!" "How long has it been since your last confession ?" asks the priest. " I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish" " Then why are you telling me this?" "I'm TELLING everyone."
A 65 year old man had a physical checkup. The doctor said, "You are in better shape than any 65 year old patient I ever had. You should live a long time. How old was your father when he died?." The man said,"Who said he was dead? My father is 88 and works every day." Doctor, "Well how old was your grandfather when he died?" Man: "Who said he was dead? My grandfather is 110 years old and he just got married again last week." Doctor, "Tell me why any man would want to get married at that age." Man, "Who said he wanted to?"
An elephant once escaped from a circus. It wandered around, and finally ended up in an old lady's garden. She looked out of the window and saw it. As she had never seen an elephant before, she was mystifed as to what it was. So she called the police. She told the police sergeant that there was a huge strange animal in her vegetable garden. The sergeant asked her to describe it. "Well", she said," It's big,and grey, and, and, and it has a tail at each end." "What's it doing right now?" asked the sergeant. "Well right now its ripping up cabbages with one of its tails.".. "What's it doing with the cabbages then?" asks the sergeant. "If I told you that.....you'd never believe me."
My father, who lived to be 87 years old, like to tell this joke during his entire life. This is probably the only reason I was unable to remember it. There was an OLD comic strip, called "Mutt and Jeff," and they are seen riding in an open box car on the old railroads. Mutt, "You know Jeff, I was just thinking. I wish I knew the exact spot where I would die." Jeff, "Why in the world would you want to know that?" Mutt, "Cause, I'd never go near the place."
Three women of a certain age lived together in a big house. One day, as they were all sitting in the living room, the first woman said, "Well, I think I'll go upstairs and take a bath." She got to the bathroom, ran a tub of water, took off her clothes and said, "Oh, goodness. Was I just getting in the tub or am I just getting out?" Unable to decide, she just sat there, trying to puzzle it out.
Downstairs, the second woman said, "I'm worried about the length of time she's taking. I'd better just go upstairs and see if she's okay." She started up the stairs but got a little out of breath so paused to rest. After she had rested a bit, she looked around and said, "Oh dear, was I going up the stairs or going down?"
In the living room, the third woman shook her head and said, "I'm sure glad I'm not getting as senile as those two--knock on wood!" and she rapped on the arm of her wooden rocking chair. "Oh!" she said, "Is that somebody at the front door or the back door?"
The old man and his wife went to the doctor for their yearly checkup, and the doctor saw the old man first, and asked him how things were going. Fine, says the old man, except one thing. When we have sex, the first time it is great. The second time I break out into a sweat, start shaking and don't know what's going on.
The doc gets the old man's wife into his office and tells her what her husband said. No wonder, she says. The first time is in January and the second time is in August.
What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tator Tots
In South Dakota, which has grasshoppers twice the size of your thumb, a man owned a bar just outside of Watertown. During the day he was seldom busy as the people were all working. He was standing behind the bar cleaning glasses, getting ready for the after work rush, when a grasshopper jumped up on the bar. The bartender looked down at the grasshopper and said, "Oh! Hi there little fella, we have a drink in here named after you." The grasshopper looked at the bartender and asked, "You have a drink named Oscar?"
Lydia Heston after being married to actor Charles Heston was asked, "Have your ever considered divorce?" She replied, "Divorce, never! Murder, Often!"
A man who had led an exemplary life on earth almost broke his nose on the Pearl Gates when they didn't swing wide for him. Saint Peter, standing aside said, "Just a minute. before you can enter, you must answer three questions." "O.K.," said the man, "What are they?' "The first question," said St. Peter, "Is how many seconds are there in a year?" The man thought a moment and replied, "Twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, ....." "Very good," said St. Peter. "Now tell me the two sequential days of the week beginning with the letter 'T'." Again, after some consideration, the man answered, "Today and tomorrow." "Alright. Now for the final question. "What is God's first name?" "No problem," answered the man, "Its Andy, -- Andy He walks with me, Andy He Talks with me ..."
This 90 year old man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he wants his sex life lowered. The doctor looks at him and asked him how old he is. The man replied "I am 90 years old." The doctor said that's rediculous for a man of your age to ask that his sex life be lowered. It's all in your head. The man replied "I know that's why I want it lowered."
A man goes into a bar once a week and orders 3 shots of whiskey set up. Finally, the bartender asks him, "Why do you come in once a week and order 3 shots. The man replied, "My brothers and I used to come in and toast each other and now they are gone and so I do it in their memory." One day he walked in and ordered only 2 shots. The bartender set them up, watched him drink them, and asked, "Why only 2 shots tonight?" The man replied, "I have decided to give up drinking!"
A women went to Italy to see a doctor who made it possible for women in their 60s to have babies. Of course, all of her friends loved the baby. One of her friends was moving away and made one last visit to this new mother to see the baby one more time. She was told the baby was asleep and probably would awaken soon. After a period of time and many requests to see the baby, chargrined the mother responed, "I have to wait for him to wake up and cry because I can't remember where I put him."
This 80 year old man wanted to marry a 21 year-old blond chick that wanted children. So he went to his doctor and asked if he was in good enough physical shape to father a child and what could he do to help with the costs. The doctor said he was in excellent shape and suggested he take in a boarder. The following year, he returned for his annual physical and the doctor asked him how the marriage was and if his wife was pregnant. "Yes," he said. Then the doctor asked if he had taken in a boarder and did this work out. "It worked out fine, but now she's pregnant too!"
There were two retired gentlement who lived in a retirement home and spent a lot of time together. They went out to eat, took walks to their broker's office and played golf. Then one gentlemen became quite "down" and the other couldn't manage to get him to talk about what was wrong. Finally, after many weeks of questioning he responded, "I'm so ashamed; would you believe I have VD at 88?'' His friend responded, "That's not so bad, I have IBM at 175."
Claudia and Henry. Claudia said, "You know what the problem with getting old is Henry?" Henry, "No, what's the problem?" Claudia, "What problem?"
An old man sees a friend sitting on a park bench weeping. "How have things been with you Bob," he askes his older friend. "Great. I just married a beautiful young woman." "Wonderful! But then why are you crying?" Bob, "I can't remember where I live."
Adam was talking to God and God told him to go over to Eve and give her a big hug. Adam asked, "What's a hug?" On his return God asked Adam how it was and he said, "It was pretty nice." Then God told Adam to give Eve a kiss. On his return he told God that was even better. Then God told Adam he should have sex with Eve to procreate. On his return Adam asked God, "What's a headache?"
Aged husband and wife sitting on the front porch. Wife said, "I certainly would appreciate a vanilla ice cream cone." Husband: "I'll hobble right down to the drugstore and get you one dear." Wife: "Now, remember, I want vanilla. You always get chocolate. Write it down - Vanilla." Husband replied, "I can certainly remember vanilla. The store is only two blocks away." Husband comes back with a hamburger and hands it to his wife. She looks at it disgustedly. "I knew you'd forget the mustard," she said.
We were so poor when I was young that the only thing I got for Christmas was a bat. It bit me three times before it flew away
The nice thing about being senile -- you are always meeting new friends!
I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top.
Three ministers were together one day and the subject of: When does life begin came up. The youngest said, "Life begins at conception." Another said, "No, life begins at birth!" The old wise minister stated, "No life begins when the last child leaves home and the dog dies!"