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PAST COMMENTS - II

All of these jokes are on the internet many times. Not copyrighted.

15 RULES TO LIVE BY spacer 25 TRUTHS OF LIFE spacer 50 PROMISES FOR MARRIAGE



A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN spacer CLEANING TIPS spacer DISORDER IN COURT spacer



DOG PHILOSOPHY spacer GENERAL KNOWLEDGE QUIZ spacer HOW DO THEY SURVIVE? spacer



LUTHERN AIRLINES spacer LUTHERAN STORIES spacer MEANDERING THOUGHTS



OLD HOLLYWOOD SQUARES ONE-LINERS spacer SAYINGS spacer THINGS KIDS SAY



UNIVERSAL LAWS spacer UNUSUAL FACTS



VARIOUS ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION ------ "WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED ?"



WHAT SEX ARE THEY ? spacer WHO WERE THE FOUNDING MEMBERS OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB ?



WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ?



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OLD HOLLYWOOD SQUARES ONE-LINERS....



From the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.

These are from the original Hollywood Squares show in the 70's.....




spacer Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

spacer A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.




spacer Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

spacer A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes...




spacer Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

spacer A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.




spacer Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive,
spacer is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?

spacer A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.




spacer Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

spacer A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.




spacer Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?

spacer A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.




spacer Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?

spacer A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter ....and
spacer I'll give you a gesture you won't soon forget!




spacer Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

spacer A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.




spacer Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?

spacer A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!




spacer Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?

spacer A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.




spacer Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
spacer One is politics. What is the other?

spacer A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.




spacer Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

spacer A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.




spacer Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

spacer A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.




spacer Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

spacer A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.




spacer Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit
spacer of kissing a lot of people?

spacer A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!




spacer Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body what is it?

spacer A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly is not neglected!




spacer Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?

spacer A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.




spacer Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

spacer A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.




spacer Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

spacer A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?




spacer Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

spacer A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.




spacer Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them
spacer on at least two occasions. What are they?

spacer A: Charley Weaver: His feet.




spacer Q: Do female frogs croak?

spacer A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.




spacer Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?

spacer A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.




spacer Q: To what do Roy Rogers and Dale Evans attribute their long marriage?

spacer A: Paul Lynde: They're both good in the saddle.



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VARIOUS ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION ------ "WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED ? "



AGE 5 ----- "I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night"".

AGE 7 ----- "Our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either."

AGE 9 ----- "When I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back."

AGE 12 ---- "Just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again."

AGE 14 ---- "If you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up."

AGE 15 ---- "Although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me."

AGE 24 ---- "Silent company is often more healing than words of advice."

AGE 26 ---- "Brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures."

AGE 29 ---- "Wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there."

AGE 30 ---- "If someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it."

AGE 42 ---- "There are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it."

AGE 44 ---- "You can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note."

AGE 46 ---- "The greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others."

AGE 47 ---- "Children and grandparents are natural allies."

AGE 48 ---- "No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

AGE 49 ---- "Singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours."

AGE 50 ---- "Motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone."

AGE 51 ---- "You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."


AGE 52 ---- "Keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills."

AGE 53 ---- "Regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die."

AGE 58 ---- "Making a living is not the same thing as making a life."

AGE 61 ---- "To do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage."

AGE 62 ---- "Life sometimes gives you a second chance."

AGE 64 ---- "You shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back."


AGE 65 ---- "If you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you."


AGE 66 ---- "Whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision."

AGE 72 ---- "Everyone can use a prayer."

AGE 82 ---- "Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

AGE 90 ---- "Every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."


AGE 92 ---- "I still have a lot to learn."



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WHAT SEX ARE THEY ?



ZIPLOC BAGS......Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.


SHOE......Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.


COPIER......Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.


TIRE......Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.


HOT AIR BALLOON......Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.



SPONGES......Female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


SUBWAY......Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.


HOURGLASS......Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMER......Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.



REMOTE CONTROL......Female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider this: it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.



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GENERAL KNOWLEDGE QUIZ



No cheating! No looking around; no using anything on or in your desk or your computer!

Can you beat 18? (The average is 7 if you're not from the North East) Write down your answers and check answers (on the bottom) after completing all the questions.



And remember ... No Cheating!



01. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?


02. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)


03. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?


04. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?


05. What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)


06. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?


07. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?


08. How many matches are in a standard pack?


09. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?


10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?


11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?


12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?


13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?


14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?


15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?


16. Which way do fans rotate?


17. Whose face is on a dime?


18. How many sides does a stop sign have?


19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?


20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?


21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?


22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?


23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?


25. On which playing card is the cardmaker's trademark?


26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?


27. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?


28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?


29. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?


30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?




Don't look at answers below until you complete all the questions!





ANSWERS:




01. Bottom
02. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
03. Right
04. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold
05. Q Z
06. 1, 0
07. Right
08. 20
09. Red
10. 88
11. Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)
12. Towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Left
15. Top
16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8
19. Left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 8
24. Did you notice there wasn't one?
25. Ace of spades
26. Left
27. ONE
28. *, #
29. 3
30. Counter



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FIFTEEN RULES TO LIVE BY



01.....Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

02.....You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

03.....The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right.

04.....Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

05.....If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.

06.....Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

07.....When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

08.....If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

09.....Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

10.....Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire.

11.....Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

12.....Every day above ground is a good day

13.....Don't worry about the world coming to an end today, it's already tomorrow in Australia

14.....The wonderful thing about the game of life is that winning and losing are only temporary -- unless you quit.

15.....Be assured that most of your problems will disappear by themselves if you don't get too attached to them.


.....Oh, and one more - ...............Dance like no one is watching!



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A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN....



Think of words ending in ...GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them.

There are only three words in the English language.

What is the third word?

The word is something that everyone uses every day.

If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is.



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"WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ?......"





GEORGE W. BUSH.............................. We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL................................ Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


HANS BLIX................................... We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.


JACQUES CHIRAC.............................. We will veto any resolution regarding non-compliance of the chicken whether it has or has not crossed the road!


MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador).......... The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.


SADDAM HUSSEIN.............................. This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


AL GORE..................................... I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.


RALPH NADER................................. The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheel of a gas-guzzling SUV.


PAT BUCHANAN................................ To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.


RUSH LIMBAUGH............................... I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.


MARTHA STEWART.............................. No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


JERRY FALWELL............................... Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.


DR. SEUSS................................... Did the chicken cross the road?....Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road,....But why it crossed, I've not been told!


ERNEST HEMINGWAY............................ To die. In the rain. Alone.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR...................... I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives into question.


GRANDPA..................................... In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.


BARBARA WALTERS............................. Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.


BILL GATES.................................. I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.


ALBERT EINSTEIN............................. Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON................................ I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?


COLONEL SANDERS.............................I MISSED ONE ?



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25 TRUTHS OF LIFE



spacer 01. spacer If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.


spacer 02. spacer Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.


spacer 03. spacer Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


spacer 04. spacer Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


spacer 05. spacer If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before .


spacer 06. spacer My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


spacer 07. spacer Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


spacer 08. spacer It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


spacer 09. spacer For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


spacer 10. spacer If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


spacer 11. spacer Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


spacer 12. spacer A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.


spacer 13. spacer Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.


spacer 14. spacer Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!


spacer 15. spacer No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


spacer 16. spacer A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


spacer 17. spacer Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


spacer 18. spacer Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


spacer 19. spacer Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.


spacer 20. spacer There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


spacer 21. spacer Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


spacer 22. spacer By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


spacer 23. spacer Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


spacer 24. spacer Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


spacer 25. spacer It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.




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WHO WERE THE FOUNDING MEMBERS OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB ?




The first couple to couple in the air was probably flying ace Lawrence Sperry and a married New York socialite. The two apparently accomplished the feat in 1916 over Babylon, N.Y., aided by Sperry's invention: the automatic pilot. When the plane plunged into the waters of Great South Bay and duck hunters discovered the pair naked as jaybirds. Sperry gallantly explained that the crash stripped them of their garb.
(USA TODAY, Life Section, April 25, 2003)

Note: On December 13, 1923 Lawrence was lost in the English Channel on a flight from London to Amsterdam.



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SAYINGS



Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming you way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.



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CLEANING TIPS



Dirt
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

General Cleaning
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck - always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

And from Roseanne Barr: "I'm not going to touch another vacuum cleaner until Sears comes out with a ride-on model."



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50 PROMISES FOR MARRIAGE





1. Start each day with a kiss.
2. Wear your wedding ring at all times.
3. Date once a week.
4. Accept differences.
5. Be polite.
6. Be gentle.
7. Give gifts.
8. Smile often.
9. Touch.
10. Talk about dreams.
11. Select a song that can be "our song".
12. Give back rubs.
13. Laugh together.
14. Send a card for no reason.
15. Do what the other person wants before he or she asks.
16. Listen.
17. Encourage.
18. Do it his or her way.
19. Know his or her needs.
20. Fix the other person's breakfast.
21. Compliment twice a day.
22. Call during the day.
23. Slow down.
24. Hold hands.
25. Cuddle.
26. Ask for each other's opinion.
27. Show respect.
28. Welcome the other person home.
29. Look your best.
30. Wink at each other.
31. Celebrate birthdays in a big way.
32. Apologize.
33. Forgive.
34. Set up a romantic getaway.
35. Ask, "What can I do to make you happier?".
36. Be positive.
37. Be kind.
38. Be vulnerable.
39. Respond quickly to the other person's request.
40. Talk about your love.
41. Reminisce about your favorite times together.
42. Treat each other's friends and relatives with courtesy.
43. Send flowers every Valentine's day and anniversary.
44. Admit when wrong.
45. Be sensitive to each other's sexual desires.
46. Pray for each other daily.
47. Watch sunsets together.
48. Say, "I love you" frequently.
49. End the day with a hug.
50. Seek outside help when needed.



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LUTHERAN AIRLINE



NEW AIRLINE IN MINNESOTA

YA SHURE, YOU BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA .

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is an upliftin experience. Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.

You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet.. sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da coffee pot up front.

Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be thou our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close. Amen!



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MEANDERING THOUGHTS



Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35-mph zone, but I told them I had dyslexia.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

When I was crossing the border to Canada, they asked me if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by laughing hysterically.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now i have two Xerox machines.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2 by 4 and a box of 3 by 5s. The clerk said, 'ten-four.'

Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from outer space. On the back, it said, 'Wish you were here.'

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I had amnesia once...or twice.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill up the rest.

If toast always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

I almost had a psychic girifriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them. Abraham Lincoln

Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source. Ron Nesen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Noel Coward

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others. George Orwell

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? Benny Hill

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night. Otto von Bismarck

The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give. Walt Whitman

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy. Jerry Seinfield

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Does the noise in my head bother you?



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LUTHERAN STORIES



Lars--a Norwegian from Cook County in northern Minnesota-- was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Lars's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Lars, and suggested that Lars convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Lars's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Lars's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Lars, he stopped in amazement and watched......

There stood Lars, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."



The lady gorilla at the Minneapolis Zoo that spurned the advances of boy gorillas from around the nation.

In desperation, the zoo officials advertised far and wide for a suitor, and they finally found one in northern Minnesota. The big, strapping Scandihoovian farm lad showed and announced, "Yah, shure, you betcha; I'll do the deed, but there are three conditions: (1) No reporters; (2) no kissin' or huggin' and (3) the offspring gotta be raised Loooooootheran."



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DOG PHILOSOPHY



The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
- Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can... That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.
(This one didn't have a quoter after it)


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HOW DO THEY SURVIVE?



ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 
'You don't?' I replied. 
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 
'That's right.' 
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...) 

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.. 
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. 
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' 
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' 
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. 
She had no clue to what had just happened. 

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy' 
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.  She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer.......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!


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THINGS KIDS SAY



Here are some of the howlers.

1. "My Daddy has to have a hysterectomy." (He was having hemmorhoid surgery.)

2. "Boys have a penis and girls have a china."

3. "When I die, I want to live with Jesus in his apartment."

4. "My teacher is old. She's the same as you."

5. "I love Gammy because she smells like the old days."

6. "My mom has striped hair." (Her mother has a weave in her hair.)

7. "I can have two childs because I have two testicles"

8. " Mommy, did you know that your underwear won't flush down the toilet?"

9. "When it gets dark it's because God turned out the lights so he could sleep"

10. "I like those lines on your face."

11. "Mommy, Daddy's boss is a moron! That's what Daddy said!"

12. "Hello, 911? Hi, cop lady!"

13. "The teacher said I have listening problems, but I think she has problems teaching."

14. "Can I have this toy? It only costs five easy payments of $39.95."

15. "My baby sister ate my homework. She ate tomorrow's homework too."

16. "Mommy, please get off the phone, and wipe my butt!"

17. "I just wanted to see how much toilet paper would actually fit in the toilet."

18. "Hey, Dad, can you help me with my advanced mathematical scientific equations worksheet?" (This is for fifth grade?)

19. "Can I borrow the car tonight? I promise I won't hit anybody. Again."

20. "How does Santa Claus fit through the chimney? He's too fat!"

21. "Nana, I smell something ... I (leaning closer) think it's you."

22. "Mom, what happened to Bridget's penis? Did you leave it in your tummy?"

23. "Mommy, can I push the button on your butt?"

24. "At Sunday school I learned that God named all the animals and you know what? He got them all right!"

25. "Mom, I can't go to school today, I have the hiccups. And if I go to school with the hiccups, then all my friends will get the hiccups!

26. "Mama, how many times do I have to tell you that it's not my fault if I don't learn anything? It's the school's problem if they're not going to teach me anything!"

27. "Mom, if you let me watch TV, I will give you 10,000 bucks and a million kisses. I will EVEN give you 4,010 million hugs too, and I will tell you some jokes. How about that?"

28. "Oh, it is not human, Mom, it is a bird!" (After being told it's humid outside.)

29. "You are not the Easter Bunny because you smell funny and I can see your real hair coming out of your bunny head."

30. "Mommy, if those trees are naked, how come I can't see their butts."

31. "Everything is for sale, even my mom if the price is right, that is what daddy said."

32. "My face is ruined. How will I ever be chosen for American Idol? Simon will think I am hideous." (After a tiny scratch on her face.)

33. "Could I bleed to death?" (from a little girl being told about menstrual cycles.)

34. "You should always give someone a compliment, especially your teacher, even if it's a lie and she is really the wicked witch."

35. "Mom, I am feeding the bushes -- like Daddy did last night." (You can imagine what she was doing.)

36. "You can get away with the best stuff when we have a substitute teacher."

37. "Do you think my mom would notice if I packed up my twin brothers and sent them to China?"

38. "I can always tell when my teacher is mad. She gets real loud, turns red and doesn't blink."

39. "You don't look anything like Commander Rabb on JAG. My mommy says he's hot." (Said to a gentleman in the Navy wearing his dress blues.)

40. "Wow, Grandma, my mommy said if your butt gets any bigger, you will have to put a wide load sign on it"

41. "Oh, yit!"

42. "Boy, your house smells funny. You should buy some air fresheners."

43. "My baby brother has a tiny wiggle. Mine is medium, but you should see my dad's. It's ginormous!"

44. "Can we say a prayer for my mommy? She couldn't come to church today because she had a operation so she won't have any more babies."

45. "I didn't know ladies could have a mustache. Cool!"

46. "Excuse me sir, when you toot, you are supposed to say excuse, and it's gross to do it in my face."

47. "Can you send help? My baby brother is choking, and my mommy is beating on him." (to a 911 dispatcher.)




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DISORDER IN THE COURT



These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you chitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: I believe so. If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


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UNUSUAL FACTS



In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years..

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


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UNIVERSAL LAWS



1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, the phone will ring too and you'll realize you should have made a trip to the washroom first!

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will...

10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


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